The Fritz Henry Emails

the list of all the possible versions of the stories behind the Myths and Legends of Hawaii

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: admin@alternative-hawaii.com
Date: Wed May 31, 2006 04:46:06 PM PDT

Mahalo, I thank you for your website! I love your website on Hawaiian Mythology! I am an avid fan of Hawaii and Hawaii Myths and the Stories behind the Hawaiian Myths! I am compiling a list of all the stories behind the Hawaiian Myths. I would love your help compiling an alternate list of all the possible versions of the stories behind the Myths and Legends of Hawaii. It would be perfect if there could be a differnt list for each of the islands (6?) . We could also do a list for all the other islands that are smaller than the main islands (Molokai?) Is the Big Island THE MAIN ISLAND? Is the word "Big" a Hawai'ian word? I wasn't aware of that in school! I often call myself "Big Fritz Henry!" I AM A HAWAI'IAN! Mahalo! I am not a Hawai'ian. I am of European peoples history and people!

So, anyway, here is my list of all the stories behind the Hawaiian Myths and Legends, as well as the orgins of each of the stories.
1) Puukohola War Temple - bloody rocks for human scarifices and sharks, called Ku, who are sharks.
2) Naha Stone - Stone in Hawaii that was turned over by boy/king and wizard-like/creature with beard/hat
3) Waianapanapapapa Cave - The beautiful Princess escaped from her cruel and jealous husband and hid in this cave. When the chief found her, she was savage murder. (I KNOW THIS ONE IS DEFINITELY TRUE, DO NOT ASK ME HOW)
4) The Legend of the Big Kahuna - Long ago, soon before the WW I, there was a Hawaii man named Johnny Mahalo. The people of the Big Island were hungry and they asked him to provide them with tasty food for low price. Johnny agreed on an emotional level and set off in a car (HAWAIIAN CAR?) up the face of the ominous Mount Waikiki. Twenty minutes later Johnny Mahalo barreled down the mount carrying a platter of chicken nachos and a five-gallon (metric?) bucket of Kona Lager, which he had purchased for an entirely low price of $11.95 (Hawaiian) plus tax. The people of the Big Island were no longer hungry.
5) Halawa Valley - Sorcerers live in this valley (connected to Naha Stone? Has anyone looked into this? Are there any stones here?)
6) Pro Bowl '96 - Marshall Faulk scores 4 rushing TD's and rushes for 215 yds.

Do you have any more possibilities of alternate lists about the stories behind the myths and legends of Hawaiian and the Hawaiian people and magical legends? I am completely interested in these stories! My brother (Lake Henry) loves the stories about the mermaids and the Hawaiian Tropics girls.

Mahalo so much,
Fritz Henry

The Story of the Legend of the Big Kahuna

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: kona@eyeofhawaii.com
Date: Tue May 30, 2006 04:11:56 PM PDT

Hello, Mahalo. I was recently in Waikiki and I met a guy who was telling me all these wonderful stories about the history of Hawa'ii. I then got home and found your website about Hawa'ii. I then clicked on your link for Hawai'ian legends and the rest is history! I read them all! I read the first one (mahalo) all the way to the last one (mahalo)! Anway, I didn't see the Legend of the Big Kahuna. Is there a reason for this? There was a guy who I met at a reastaurant called Da Big Kahuna in Waikiki who told me the story of the legend of The Big Kahuna. It was fantastic!

The Story of the Legend of the Big Kahuna:

Long ago, in the early 1900's there was a man named Johnny Mahalo. The people of the Big Island were hungry and they asked Johnny to get them something good to eat for a reasonable price. Johnny agreed out of principle and set off on a trek up the face of the ominous Mount Waikiki. Thirteen years later Johnny Mahalo marched back down from the mountain carrying three pounds of mahi-mahi nachos and a pitcher of Kona Lager, which he had purchased for an entirely reasonable price of $12.75 (Hawaiian) plus tax. The people of Hawaii were happy. This is the story of the Legend of the Big Kahuna!

I have one question for oyou: Here is my question? Is this story true? Also is $12.75 (Hawaiian) a reasonable price for mahi-mahi nachos and a pitcher of Kona Lager?

Mahalo Sincerely,
Fritz Henry

p.s. My brother (Lake Henry) got in a fight with the mad soon after and we had to leave the restaurant, this is why I diddn't get to find out if the price was reasonable. Can you help me?

An Accurate Depiction of Hawai'ian Fishes!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: kelley@waquarium.org
Date: Tue May 30, 2006 00:27:38 AM PDT

Dear Ms. Lam! Mahalo! (I don't know if I should say Mahalo before I say Dear or after. I chose to put it after. If this is wrong, please let it slide this time. Thanks!!!!
I have a few questions for you regarding your Waikiki Aquarium. I was recently in WAikiki and I will soon be in Waikiki. In between I have spent my time on the MAINLAND. I love aquariums big time! I have been to the aquarium in Monterrey and the aquarium in Long Beach. Both of these aquariums are in California! I have also been to the aquarium in Mystic, CT. (not my favorite, not as good as expected) I have not been to your aquarium! I want to go to your aquarium! Here is my reasoning for going to your particular aquarium: I am photographing a fish or a few fish for a photograph for the front lobby of one of the hotels in your city of Waikiki! (I'm not telling which one, because I don't want my brother (Lake Henry) to find out)

I am going to describe the photograph I would wish to make at your place with your help (or someeone equally as qualified. And dignified! And funkdafied!) and then I need you to tell me what changes we should make with this thing so that it could work out for everyone involved (including the aquatic wildlife and the manager of the Hale Koa Hotel).

First of all: I am going to call the photograph "An Accurate Depiction of Hawai'ian Fishes!"

Background - I would like to have anywhere in the neighborhood of thirty to forty or fifty fish swimming in lines. I want the fish to be uniform (they do not have to wear uniforms. Animal rights!) in their swiming. Also they should spell out some signified word, for example: "Fish" or "School of Fish" or "Mahalo" or "Hale Koa Hotel." Also, they should all be the same color and they should all get along with each other. I have seen "Nemo!"

Middleground - I need to have three to four fish with huge lips that look like a ladies lips. (Parrotfish? Grouper fish? Bat fish with Clown Face?) The fish do not have to be kissing each other, but there should be a hint of a kiss to come if you stay at the Hale Koa Hotel (and then visit the front desk or the Waikiki Aquarium (THE THIRD OLDEST IN THE NATION!))

Foreground - The front fish is the one that will give us the problems. I am good with problem solveing and I'm not too worried. This fish should be willing to hold either a cell phone (doesn't have to be a camera phone) or car keys (any make). It can be any kind of fish, but it shouldn't be too small (shark?) or too small (barracuda?).

Sounds great! I can't wait for the photograph session. Do I need to bring special lights? Is there a Radioshack nearby? Do you validate parking tickets? Do you know anyone who works at Duke's and could get us free dinners? Both of us. We're going to be together on this.

(Mahalo) Sincerely for you,
Fritz Henry

p.s. please do not tell my brother (Lake Henry) about any of this. I owe him money for the postage still. (long story)

magic show/picture taking experience for your customers and a meal for myself!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: geoff@gyu-kaku.com
Date: Fri May 26, 2006 01:00:30 PM PDT

Mahalo! I am thinking about something exciting for your restuarant! I am a photographer and magician. Ring any bells? THis is going to be outstanding! I am writing to you because I have never had yaki-niku cooking and I am going to be in Waikiki for a few months pretty soon, staying at the Hale Koa hotel! Go Fighting Goanas! (mascot)
Anyway, this is why I am writing to you: I want to propose something to your restaurant! I want to do a magic show/picture taking experience for your customers and a meal for myself! And my brother (Lake Henry)!

This is what I'm giong to do:
1) I am going to take pictures of all of your customers (after they sign the proper forms and that kind of thing)
2) I am going to take pictures of all of your staff (they can sign forms if needed, too)
3) I am going to do magic for some of your staff and all of the customers (forms may or may not be necesary)
4) I am going to take a picture of my brother (Lake Henry) eating some yaki-niku from a grill
5) I am going to take a picture of you (with or without yaki-niku)
6) I am going to do magic for a passerby. I will put a coin in her ear and then I will pull out a stuffed raccoon from her backpack. I have experience with this. Ask anyone in ATLANTA, GEORGIA (on the mainland)!!!
7) I am going to get a free meal for myself and my brother (lake Henry)!

How does all this sound? I am open to getting rid of up to 6 of the steps. I prefer not to lose the final step! I am going to be hungry for yaki! Sukiyaki! Teriyaki! Yakisoba! Sticky yaki! Crispy yaki! Cold or hot yaki! I will eat it all! I don't even care. My brother (Lake Henry) doesn't care either. Thanks for agreeing to all this. YOu WILL NOT REGRET IT. I will take an extra special picture of you and anyone you want outside at the sunset or sunrise to hang up in the lobby of any hotel you want. THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME! Mahalo!

-Sincerely Yours,
Fritz Henry

p.s. are you the place on the corner or the place in the mall? I need to go to Spencer's Gifts and do some shopping for souvenirs! They have great stuff! Check them out!

sunglasses which are in black and white (for an arty effect!)

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: INFORMATION@HaleKoa.COM
Date: Fri May 26, 2006 00:40:18 AM PDT

Mahalo, thank you so much for getting back to me so promptly. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to respond. I've had quite a past few weeks, as you can probably imagine! I got drunk again! This is becoing a thing for me! Who would have guessed that Fritz Henry would become a drinker of alcohol till he was drunk! Lake Henry (my brother) is a large drinker! I don't mean he's tall. Mahalo. But he is tall, too! You wouldn't know it by looking at him, because he is very thick from muscles and it makes him look perportionally shorter to the rest of the people that are next to him. Mahalo. For example: I (Fritz Henry), if I was standing next to him (Lake Henry) would look taller than him, and not because of the height, but because he has hair and because he is so girth around his neck and head areas. I am a big boy around the belly area (Lake is smaller), but my head is abnormally small for a man of my age and height and weight (it may be the hair loss). Is it unreasonable for a man of his middle thirties to have a bald head? I am not BALD!!! I have some hair on the crown! Mahalo. I am a little balding on the sides and on the back (but not on my back (yulp))! Hair is such a hard thing!

So, here is why I'm writing back to you. I offered to send you a large painting of the sunset along with myself (in person) for your lobby. I understand taht you don't need anymore artwork for your lobby. Here is what I'm going to propose t o you: I will send you slightly smaller (4' x 3') painting of a sunset for behind your front desk and I will throw in a photograph I took of a man with no shirt drinking a beer at the Barefoot Bar (it might not be a beer. it might be a mai tai. it's empty and I can't destrabulate between them when they are out of liquids)! Mahalo!!! The photography is 6'feet long and 2"feet high and it is in color for most of it, except the sunglasses which are in black and white (for an arty effect!)! Also, I will include myself in the giant manilla envelope which will be arriving in a week or so. What do you think? Sounds great to me. I will need a room free for charge.

-Fritz Henry

p.s. I have heard your place is a family establishment! Cowabunga! Mahalo.

Reponse to: Do you remember my brother (Lake Henry)?

From:HALE KOA HOTEL, INFORMATION USACFSC-AFRC Hale Koa - INFORMATION@HaleKoa.COM

To: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
Date: Thu May 04, 2006 12:06:04 PM PDT

Aloha,

Mahalo for your offer of the photo but, at this time we already have enough artwork for our lobby.

Mahalo

We can no longer stay at the Hale Koa Hotel

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: information@hawaii-hawaii.net
Date: Thu May 04, 2006 04:52:01 PM PDT

Aloha, Hawaiians! I ama friend, but even though I am friendly, do not take advantage of me. I am still tough. If I was a woman, I would be called a "ONE TOUGH COOKIE." Do you have a similar saying in Hawaiian? Is Hwaiian a language? What does Mahalo mean? what does luau mean? Is sushi in Hawaii? Icky.

So, I was in WAikiki a few weeks ago and I have a problem now. I can't remember where the Barefoot Bar is. This is why I can't remember where it is: I had a spiked U.S.S. Lemonade! Seriously, it wasn't just fruit juice. After I drank it, I yelled, "Mahalo!" and then I ran around the table and then I took a picture of the bathroom. And then I urined in the bathroom. And then I saw a marine. I think he was Japanese. Are Japanese like Hawaiians?

Next question: I need reservations. It will be for myself and my brother (Lake Henry). The thing is: this, my brother (lake Henry) caused quite a commotion last time were were at the Hale Koa hotel. I arrived, as usual, by way of a giant envelope marked, "Not a person inside. Deliver to room of guest - Lake Henry." Lake (my brother) was not there when the package arrived and so I sat in the package outside his door until he arrived a few hours later. When he got there, he saw that the package (me) was already there and that it had gotten there before he arrived. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL!! He then blew up on a woman near by who looked Hawaiian (polynesian?) and said, "I came to your country and I mailed myself some food, so I could eat when I got there, and this is how you repay me? By getting the meat and fruit here before I got here." The woman did not work for the hotel.

So, this is how we proceed. 1)We can not stay at the Hale Koa anymore. 2) We need to find another place to stay. Is this going to be possible? Are there any other hotels in Waikiki? I want to go back. I have heard they have prostitution there.

Sincerely,
Fritz Henry

p.s. my brother (Lake Henry) should not know abou this email. do not by any means forward it to him!

Your Live Camera on Waikiki Beach is Lods of fun!!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: contact@waikikitimes.com
Date: Wed May 03, 2006 05:12:55 PM PDT

Aloha, Waikiki Times newspaper, I am writing to you in reference to your live camera on the beach in Waikiki, HI. I will tell you why. I looked at your camera on your website and I saw that it was a live camera on the beach in WAikiki, HI. This is awesome!!!! Loads of fun!!! Here is what I would like to set up with you: 1) I am going to run out from my hotel room at the Hale Koa hotel at exactly three hours from now. I may (or MAY NOT) be accompanyied by employees of the hotel. 2) You have a live camera pointed towards the beach at Waikiki Beach. 3) At exactly three hours from now I will run down the sand and then I will run back u pthe sand. I may (or MAY NOT) be followed by anyone (POSSIBLY HALE KOA EMPLOYEES). 4) Please, please, please take a picture of me LIVE! 5) I need a place to stay in Hawai'i.

So, also I have a question for you. A few weeks ago I was at the Barefoot Bar at the Hale Koa hotel with my brother (Lake Henry) and he stood up on the table and yelled, "Maholo, Hawaii!" and then he got down and then he hugged/grabbed the waitress who was working at the Barefoot Bar. Here is my question? Do you have a picture of this? I see that your live camera is pointed at the beach in WAikiki and I might be wrong, but I think it is pointed at the Barefoot Bar. I.E. The Barefoot Bar is on the beach. Do you ever rent out rooms in your office building? What if I manned the camera for a few days? I am very into photography! I have a camera of my onw! I won a contest! Think about this, hard.

Sincerely,
Fritz Henry

P.S. Never order the U.S.S. Lemonade, unless you want to get alcohol in it. It comes with alcohol mixed in. It isn't just lemonade.
P.P.S. When life gives you U.S.S. Lemons, you make U.S.S. Lemonade.

Do you remember my brother (Lake Henry)?

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: information@halekoa.com
Date: Wed May 03, 2006 00:23:29 AM PDT

Aloha, Hale Koa! Mahalo! I was recently in your state of Hawaii at your hotel, the mighty Hale Koa! I saw marines! From the United States Marine Crops! I am for the Marines and for the Hale Koa!

Also, here is waht I have to ask you for: I went to the Barefoot Bar with my brother (Lake Henry). Here is my question: My brother (Lake Henry) was wearing mirrored sunglasses. Here is my question: Do you remember him? This is why I am asking you this question: I was at the Barefoot Bar at the Hale Koa with my brother (Lake Henry) and my brother (Lake H.) was wearing (mirrored) sunglasses because he was hungover from drinking at another bar (competition) the day before and then he yelled, "Aloha!" And then he hugged a waitress. And then he ordered another drink from the waitress. It was some sort of volcano drink with straqwberrys and alcohol and probably some kind of vodka in it. I do not drink. My brother (L.H.) is a big drinker. My mother used to say that she drank enough for the three of us. I am differing and saying that my brother (L.H.) drinks enough for the three of us. My brother can no longer DRINK!!! I ordered a nice non-alcoholic lemondae drink called the U.S.S. L. emonade and then it came and it was spiked! I have never heard of such a thing! I have heard of spiked punch! Maybe at a prom! I got drunk from my drink!

Here is my second question: Do you remember me (Fritz Henry)? I have shortish hair. I was drinking a spiked lemonade. I smiled at the waitresses. I took a picture of my brother (Lake Henry) and then I took a picture of the beach. There was a man on the beach with a Japanese face. I then proceeded to run to the bathrrom and urine in the toilet. I'm sure you remember me there. it was a big thing. I stole a towel! Have you ever been to Duke's in Waikiki? Do you like Mahimahi steaks? After I went and urined I came back and sat down with my brother (L. Henry) and I took a picture of the sunset.

Here is my last question: Can I send you my picture of the sunset for your lobby? I will need to send it in an (oversized) package. I will not be able to pay for shipping. If you find a man in the package, it is not me, even if I respond to the name Fritz Henry.

I look forward to (not) seeing you after I (do not) come out of a large package marked, "This package contains a large photograph of a sunset and a man other than Fritz Henry."

Sincerely Yours,
Fritz Henry