The Fritz Henry Emails

Just like the Samurais!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: info@kaohinani.net
Date: Mon Jun 19, 2006 05:36:16 PM PDT

Mahalo (in Japanese)! I love your Hawaiian Quilter's Club website! I am a huge huge huge super fan of Hawaiian quilting and Hawaiian people! I don't know Japanese! This is my problem: Your site is in Japanese writing and language. So, what can we do about this? I have a few needs to be met as far as Hawaiian quilts and quilting lessons and pictures of people making quilts and pictures of people making quilts and pictures of people making quilts are concerned. I would also like to take a picture of a quilt that is made up of squares that have pictures of the people of Hawaii re-enACTing their heritage! THis sounds like a lot of fun, right?!

Here's what I need you to do:
1) Translate your entire site from Japanese to English (not HAWAIIAN please)
2) I need you to book me a room for multiple nights at the Hale Koa hotel in Waikiki (3 or 4?)
3) I need you to make a gross of quilts for me (144? metric?) Do you use metric in Japan? Are you in Japan? Or Hawaii? Was Hawaii part of Japan? I don't know history of geography. I do know that Hawaii has become a United States' State! Number 50! Go!
4) I need every 7th quilt to be in the shape of a cape and big enough to fit my brother (LAKE HENRY). He's about as tall as me, but he's a little bit thinner and has a thick nect. Does this help? He might also be wearing one shoe only, so may have to make quilt/cape lopsided! Just like the Samurais! My borhter (LAKE HENRY) does not have a sword! But he does have a ponytail. Just like the Samurais!
5) I need you to explain to me what Hawaiian quilting is. I'm not so clear on that yet, but I'm getting there. CROSS YOUR FINGERS! OR DO THE JAPANESE/HAWAIIAN EQUIVALENT! (I've heard this has something to do with roast pig???)
6) I need you to pay for plane tickets for myself and my brother (LAKE HENRY) to fly to Waikiki, HI for three to four days. You can book us on any flight from any airline, as long as we leave from John Wayne International Airport. Go Rooster!
7) And this is a biggie! I need you to make us fake ID's cards. I know what you're thinking, and that's exactly why I need them. We got kicked out of Da Big Kahuna and now they have our pictures up. So, you should make up new names for us. Fitz Henry? Blake Henry? One should have a picture of me (smiling). One should have a picture of my brother (LAKE HENRY) and he should be smiling. If there is any problem (quilting regulations? passport forgery? disease?) let me know ahead of time. Whatever it is, we can get over it, as long as we stick together. JUST LIKE THE SAMURAIS! Have you seen the "Samurai Seven?" Just like that. And like the "Three Amigos." (not samurai)

So, I guess it sounds like this is all going to happen! I'm so excited. Hawaiian quilters are so nice and professional!

A'ha mahalo Kaohinani!

-Fritz Henry

I am an American and a patriot!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: reservations@ambassadorwaikiki.com
Date: Thu Jun 15, 2006 05:00:49 PM PDT

Mahalo and friendly greetings to my fellow Americans at the Ambassador Waikiki hotel!
I am excited to be a part of everything you stand for! At least for a night or two. Maybe three. Is there an average aomount of time that the average American (Go us!) needs to truly soak up the Ambassador lifestyle? I wonder about this. I bet you have a POOL! Wow, everything is really coming together for me these days. I have a new job (sales), a new apartment (with my brother (LAKE HENRY)) and a brand new outlook on life (American!)! Excellente (spanish for excellent)!!!
I have been to Waikiki many mnay many many times. I really don't think you would believe me if I told you how many. Twelve. I have stayed at many hotels over that time period (do not call the Hale Koa). I want to extend my visits to your hotel (why wouldn't I?) My brother (Lake Henry) travels with me, to "keep me in check." I don't think is however necesarry for him to do. I think that I "keep him in check." Probably, right? I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that subject! Phew! I hate my family ties.

So, this is when we are going to come: at some point in the next few months. At all depends if Lake's girlfriend dumps him or not and if we can get his work to pay for us to come. He has a whole boat (kayak?) load of stuff he could do for work in Hawaiii! I went to a coffee shop there and got an omelette and then the lady said, "Mahalo!" It was so authentic! Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you ever been to an ABC store?

I am a profusely sweater. I sweat all the time. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. (sp?) Mostly I sweat because I am hot. Also I am always hot. I love Hawaii for this reason. Have you ever been in the marines? I bought some sunscreen at the ABC store near Hale Koa and then I brought the sunscreen into my room, but I certainly was not the one who spelled out my full name (Fritz Wallace Henry) on the carpet and then stamped it in while wearing my flip flops. I guarantee you that no matter what any of the people who work at Hale Koa hotel (marines?) say, even if they say they saw someone who looks like me (tall, husky, balding on sides, some back hair, never wears a shirt, moles, etc.) doing so, they are definitely lying. I am an American and a patriot! Also, don't talk to the people at Duke's.

Aloha, let's make this happen. Mahalo.
-Fritz Henry

email from Roderich Hinson/HUGE JECKPOT NEEDS!

Yesterday a nice woman named Jo-Anne Henley or a man named Roderich Hinson (unclear?) from www.apc.com was nice enough to send me an email about "Regular Cash Bonuses." I decided to respond.

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From: jo-anne henley (roderichhinson@apc.com)
To: thaddus carmichael (bigfritzhenry@mac.com)
Date: Tue Jun 13, 2006 09:31:44 PM PDT
Subject: Regular cash bonuses

Over 60 games to choose from. Why leave home for vegas action?
- Over $ 8OO BONUS
- 24for7 support
- Instant payouts
- HUGE JECKPOT! http://modagen.com/casino/

better-principled well-advised automobile sled
mid-breast malleable iron tennis marker
egg apparatus grana cheese rock-cleft
damask carpet crimson-spotted blasting needle
rubber knife topsy-turvical rude-carved
road racing twice-notified six-wheeler

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Here's my response, sent this morning to investor relations at Jo-Anne Henley/Roderich Hinson's employer, American Power Conversions Corporation.

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From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: investorrelations@apcc.com
Date: Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:58:25 AM PDT

Hey, investor relations! I love your company. Everytime I need AMERICAN power converted I come to American Power Conversion Corp! Wow! I'm so glad I finally heard from you guys extending your business sense to me, without me actually having to come to you guys! So, listen, Jo-Anne Henley (Roderich Hinson) sent an email to me, Fritz Henry (Thaddus Carmichael), about the "HUGE JECKPOTS" you guys have available to me. I've included the original email at the end of my email.

But I'm confused I went to your www.apc.com website and I didn't find anything about "HUGE JECKPOTS." I am a jeckpot fanatic and I really love everything about jeckpots and what they're all about. So, you might understand why I would be so disappointed when I came to American Power Conversion for my Huge Jeckpot needs and went away empty hended. So, what I'm going to do now, is put my huge jeckpot needs in your able hends. How does that sound? DO NOT TRY AND SWINDLE ME! I am a gullible and I will fall for it. I also write commericals and songs for people as well as ghostwriting emails. I was a fanmail ghostwriter for John Goodman, Steve Guttenberg and Trung the 104 year-old orangutan (not as old as Joop, don't get excited. It's not a competition!)

So, here's what I'm willing to offer you: If you can take care of my HUGE JECKPOT needs, I will be more than willing to ghostwrite your emails to your customers. Here is an example:

from: Thaddus Carmichael
to: Fritz Henry
subject: HUGE JECKPOT NEEDS

Dear Mister Henry, you sound like a handsome man. Am I right? I am right. You are handsome. Also, about the huge jeckpots. You guessed it. We'll send them right over to you. You can never have a big enough jeckpot. Anytime you want to store your jecks be sure to contact us at American Power Conversions Corporation! We love you and your jecks, almost as much as we love Roderich Hinson and Jo-Anne Henley!
-Thaddus Carmichael

So, Investor Relations at American Power Conversions Corporation, do we have the continuation of a beautiful friendship and business partnership? Or do we have a disastrous end to my home supply of pots for my HUGE jecks?

Sincerely,
Fritz Henry

p.s. I have never gone by the name Thaddus Carmichael, but I am willing to give it a try. Sounds jeckworthy!

reservations for a room near the ice machine

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: reservations@princehawaii.com
Date: Tue Jun 13, 2006 05:53:16 PM PDT

Mahalo, Prince Hawaii Hotel! Thanks a lot for everything in advance! It's going to be awesome for everyone involved. I was at your hotel recently and I stayed on an upper floor in your hotel in Waikiki (8th? 7th? It had an ice machine AND a soda machine) I am not the one who broke the ice machine. The shoe you may (or may not) have found jammed into the ice dispenser on the ice macker machine was not mine. The shoe belonged to, you guessed it, my brother (Lake Henry). By the way, it was a nice shoe and my mother (Patty Henry-Thirdy) gave him the shoe and the matching shoe when we were last at her place in Wisconsin. So, you should mail back the shoe and free passes for one or two night's stay at your hotel when you mail back the shoe (left? Might be a right? I'm not sure which, because the other shoe was stuffed into the ice maker at the Hale Koa the night before.) I dont' know why my brother (Lake Henry) stuffed the shoe in the ice maker, but I do know why he did it. He was angry about his blankets and about his hangers. He likes to have the hangers in the closet that you can take out and then tie the blanket and sheets (he's also mad about the sheets) around and make a cape and then you can wear the cape like a cape. I'm sure you can see why. I do not understand it at all. Lake Henry (my brother) is not a super hero. He is not a king. In fact most people hate him. Except women, who do not hate him. If you are a woman, you will like him. You will probably even like him better in the cape that he would be wearing made of bedsheets and blankets and hangers from another hotel (which one? I don't know. Competition is America's way). So, in closing, I just want to say, that if you don't want anymore shoes stuck in your ice manchines, then you should do something about your hanger supply. Try the Balkenship Tri-Folds.

sincerely mahalos,
Fritz Henry

p.s. can I make some reservations for a room near the ice machine on the 7th floor for next month?

"Proud to be Polynesian"

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: treasures@polynesia.com
Date: Mon Jun 12, 2006 04:08:28 PM PDT

Mahalo, everyone and everything (nature) at the Polynesian Cultural Center giftshop!! I am looking forward to meeting everyone there soon! I will spend multiple dollars AMERICAN at the store! I am often very free with my money if I see things that I like and I saw pictures of the Polynesian Cultural Center Playing Cards ($3.99 - exchange rate?) on your wonderful site! I am thinking that they and a dozen or other so packs of these cards would make a great addition to my collection of playing cards from Tourist destinations aro0und the world!!!! Thanks in advance for the free packs and the free pens (any color) from your shop! That's very generous if I had to say so! Polynesians (Hawaiians?) are nice people. This I know for sure. Also, I know I'm proud to be an American. Of that I know I'm sure. Is there an equivalent song in Polynesia?

"Proud to be Polynesian" by Fritz Henry (I don't know what key or cadence or timbre)
"I'm Proud to be Polynesian. Of that I know I'm sure. I'm proud of the islands and the blue skies and palm oil with it's cures. I want to stand up (but not in a canoe) and reach my hand towards the skies. And when I'm done, we'll be number one. In the Hawaiian gods' (plural?) eyes. So, everyone round up your pig roasts and round up your grass and skirts, because if we have a luau again, everyone will be skipping work (unless they're important like a Polynesian Doctor or Lawyer or Polynesian Police Officer)! I'm Proud to be Polynesian, and at least I know I'm free."

Anyway, this is the song. I think you can see where it's going from there. There are five or six more verses. I haven't yet decided on the verse about the king and the fire (I'm sure you could see why - sticky situation). I am sure you woud be proud to play the song over your store speaker system. And that is why I am strongly considering bringing the tape (cassette) by at some point in the next few months. You should at the very least listen to it. I do not sing on it. My brother (Lake Henry) sings on it. He's an alto. He tells everyone he's a bass, but his voice is higher than an bass. Under no circumstances should you ever bring this up with him.

-Mahalo
-Fritz Henry

p.s. You will know me, because I'm the one with big dreams. And the moustache.

Duke's are liars of the worst kind!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: jhoover@hawaiisfishes.com
Date: Fri Jun 09, 2006 04:37:11 PM PDT

Aloha Mr. Hoover,
Thank you for your time for me. It's a pleasure to be able to ask someone who is an expert on Hawaii Fishes a question that I am wondering about a particualr Hawaii fish! I'm ecstatic! Fantastic! I love fish! I don't like to swim with fish. I am more interested in looking at them or pictures of them or eating them or protecting them, for example at a large aquariaum or wildlife show. I love them! I was at the aquarium at the end of the pier in Manhattan Beach, CA! I saw an eel and an other fish that looked like a shark, but smaller and with rounder fins and a stripe along the butt fin.

So, here is my question for you: I am going to ask you about a particular fish that I may have to describe in order for you to know what fish it is. This is not a game. I am serious about wanting to know what fish this is. I was at Duke's restaurant in Hawaii (Waikiki) with my brother (Lake Henry) recently (pleasure trip!). We were taking care of some business for Lake's side of the company and we had to make some expenditures (boring) and then place some directives, specifically in the thoroghfare and distribution centers (super boring) in the major areas of Hawaii and the surrounding areas outside of Hawaii (Indonesia? Polynesia? Papua New Guinea (derivation? I'm interested) and Peolpolesia (sp?))!! Also, I got to use a fax machine!

Here is my question? We were at Duke's restaurant (beautiful women!) and I ate a fish that they called "Grilled Mahi Mahi." What? That's not a fish. It certainly didn't tast like a fish. Duke's are liars of the worst kind! I am so glad that Lake's side of the company does not do business with them. I do not take well to liars and lying and people who go along with liars who lie (worse than the liars themselves). It tasted much more like chicken (bird in America) and a little like alligator, but less fatty and thicker. Now, they were lying, right? This was not a fish. Is this like the Chicken of the Sea thing with the little can with the Tuna that's dressed up to look like a chicken and he's holding a can of meat? It must be. Also, it had a sauce on it that I liked and I don't know what that was.
So, maybe you could swing by Duke's Fish & Grill or whatever those jerks call themselves and get down to the bottom of the business for me? Thanks in advance, I'm sure you'll do fine. Don't be nervous AT ALL about it. Not necessarry.

Mahalo,
Fritz Henry

p.s. Have you been to the Hale Koa hotel and checked out the paintings in the lobby? They could use more fish! I'M WORKING ON IT, BELIEVE ME. Mahalo.

EMAIL FROM NATALIA!/GREAT TASTE! LESS FILLING!

This mornign I got an email from this great girl in Russia, USSR! I can't believe she wants to meet me.

From: Natalia orlan81@bk.ru
To: bigfritzhenry bigfritzhenry@mac.com
Date: Fri Jun 02, 2006 10:34:56 AM PDT
Subject: Hello!!!

Hi!!!

How are you? My name is Natalia. I am 26 years old. I live in Russia, city Yelabuga. I am cheerful woman, and like to do many things as sport, camping, go to the cinema, theatre etc. In a word I like to do all what like all people. I work in marketing structure on sale of cosmetics. My dream this travel abroad. I know the english language well enough. I began to study english language approximately one year ago. I wish tell to you history which have pushed me write to you. 8 months ago I have got acquainted with the man from other country by name Dominique. During this time we had good relations. We have understood that our relations become serious and we have decided to meet in his country. I wrote the application for reception the visa. I waited reception of the visa approximately half of year. All time I kept in touch with Dominique through the internet and often called to each other. I and Dominique waited reception of the visa to our meeting. I have received the invitation from the ambassador for reception of the visa. My director has given me long-term holiday from work and I have gone to Moscow to receive the visa. I informed good news to Dominique, but he has answered, that does not want our meeting. He played with me. He has informed that has the wife with two children and at all has no plans to meet me. I was not ready to such turn of events. I could not think what even after 8 months of acquaintance he can so unscrupulously act with me. Now I am in Moscow trip to Moscow and reception of visa. I do not want that all was gone for nothing and will be glad if my visa will be useful to our meeting. I could arrive already through 4-5 days, but a problem in that that now I have no man which would like my arrival. Probable it will silly sound but if you will be interested in a meeting with the good woman I shall like to meet you sometime soon! As Dominique was dishonest with me I have decided to find the man which is interested to meet the woman from Russia. I do not know your ideas about my letter, but it would be fine if we could meet and have some weeks or months together. On my trip I want to receive rest from my work and a life in Russia. Also the basic purpose for the future it is search good men for serious attitudes which go to a marriage. I have no children, but I want to have children in the future. I am the mature woman and ready to creation of family with good man. I do not know what you really search in the future but if we could meet I shall be happy to discuss with you more about our meeting. What are you going to do this time? It would be fine if we could meet, do friendship or more than simply friendship. I shall be happy if you also have a free time and we could meet soon. I do not know your interests, but anyhow write to me back and I shall tell to you more about myself. Write to me all that you want. Maybe we have similar plans and it will be interesting to us together.

You can write all that you want. Ask any questions which interest you. Write to me back and I shall tell more about myself and send more my photos.

Have a good day,

Natalia
orlan81@bk.ru

I already wrote back to her! I didn't want to leave her hanging like this. So, bam! Thank you, mam!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: Natalia orlan81@bk.ru
Date: Fri Jun 02, 2006 04:03:34 PM PDT

Hello! I received your email from Russia! I think this is kismet (russian word? soviet word?)! I am in a very similar situation at the moment. I recently met a woman (Hawaiian) in Hawaii (Waikiki)! We hit it off a lot! Is there a Russian word for this? I bet. I have seen "Doctor Jivago!" By the way, what happened with that whole thing? Did the revolutionists win? I've always been way way interested in everything to do with other countries and people and histories and stories in other countries, but I've never been good at the follow up. For example: I heard a story in Hawaii about The Big Kahuna. It DID NOT sound legitimate. I took it at face value and believed everything that was told to me (AS IS MY USUAL)! I am completely and completely gullible sometimes. I can't believe it myself, except for the fact that I tell myself that I'm gullible every morning, so I have no choice but to believe it. Right? I am credible!

This is what I need from you: I was in Waikiki at a restaurant called Da Big Kahuna. Have you heard of it? Probably. At the restauratnt there was a waitress (may have been Hawaiian or at least Fijian) she gave me four bottles of Bud Light (for my brother (LAKE HENRY)). I don't drink, so I passed the bottles to my brother (LAKE HENRY). When I was passing the bottles, I noticed that the born on dates (is this something in Russia? Do you drink Bud LIght? Great taste! Less Filling! Great taste! Less Filling! Great taste! Less Filling! Great taste! Less Filling! Great taste! Less Filling! (Actually this is from Miller beers, but I thin kyou know where I'm going with this one)) were born on a way long time ago, like maybe when I was 30! Ridiculous! These beers were nearly 6 years old! So, I grabbed each of the beers and I said, "Give my brother back his money (Hawaiian) and give us some beers that were born in this century! Mahalo!" And then the waitress, this is what she did: she put down the beers she had already given us and sat down next to me and put her hand on my shoulder and looked in my eyes and set down her pad and tray and squeezed my shoulder and looked at my brother (Lake Henry) for a second and turned back to me and then she talked to me for five or more minutes! She talked about the starving and thirsty people of Hawaii (Hulas) and the people of the Big Island (near Hawaii) and how they didn't have any food or drink and so they sent Johnny mahalo (the Big kahuna) up the mountain and he brought them back stuff to eat and drink. Probably nachos or potato skins. Do you believe that for a second? I did.
Thi sis is where you come in. My brother tried to kiss the waitress in the alley after she left work. SHE DIDN'T KISS BACK! She is not very tall or strong, but she is very extremely pretty. How strong are you? Can you fight her? I am not a woman! I am soft hands and long eyelashes, and pudgy chest muscles (boob-like), but I am not a woman! I can not fight a woman for not kissing my brother (LAKE HENRY)!

This is where you come in:
1) I will send an email to the waitress telling her that she won a trip to Russia.
2) The waitress (Mali? Or Lani) will fly to Russia.
3) You will tell her she didn't kiss the wrong guy!
4) You will do whatever women do when they fight with her.
5) You will take a polaroid picture and send it to Lake Henry (my brother).
6) You come to America to see me!

Thanks for all your help. Das vadanya!
-Fritz Henry