The Fritz Henry Emails

Crabs and Starfish

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : trinidadbaycharters@yahoo.com
Subject : Crabs and Starfish
Date : Sun, 20 Jul 2003 23:47:28 -0700

Hello, and thank you for paying attention to me and my concerns. My name is Fritz Henry. I will be in the Trinidad area around the end of this month. I would like to charter one of your boats for a ride our into the bay. Is this going to be possible? Have you ever seen Star Wars? It will just be myself and this boy, and two droids. Do you like how Alec Guiness tries to slip in the two droids? I went to go see that movie with my brother (Lake Henry) when I was in 4th grade. I loved it! I am a Star wars fan! I also loved the "bridge of the river Kwai!" I love Alec Guiness. Do you think it will be possible for me to charter one boat, it will only be for myself and for my brother, Lake? We will not have any sort of droid, robots, or machines. Robots rust in the water! My brother may be cranky. He has a very discreet sense of smell. He gets very cranky around smelly things and smelly people. I understand that the sea is smelly. Lake may not understand this!

So we are very interested in sport crabbing. Would it be possible for the two of us to have a competition? How do you catch the crabs? Lake prefers tools. He is a great carpenter! He built the storage shed behind our parents house 19 years ago! It is still standing and my father still keesp his rakes and trowels and gloves in there. Can you believe that? I can. Our father sticks to his ways often. He loves the phrase, "An old dog..." I like change. That is why I am willing to go out on your boat with Captain Tom and do some crabbing. Normally I don't like to touch any animal that's been in the sea, unless it has been properly washed off beforehand.

When I was younger, I was eith my friend, Christopher Brenna, and he pushed me into the tidal pool in the discovery zone at the Minnesota Zoo. I touched a starfish! The starfish had all sorts of ridges and bumps and then I recoiled! I hate salt water and cuts! I had cut my hand earlier on a tuna can when it fell down the drain. So star fish react to blood? Do you think that a starfish would be a good monster movie monster. I am currently working on a side project for a friend of mine about a monster. I do not think that a starfish would be a good monster. I think that a starfish is much to sedentary of a creature, unless you got up and started to throw them. I can imagine a man throwing a starfish. Do starfish stick to things when you throw them? Can I throw starfish at things on your boat, the Jumpin Jack? I will stay away from the crew. I will not even take any starfist out of my bag in front of the crew. Are starfish endangered? Man, I really hate them.

So anyway, I think that I could catch 10 crabs in the time that it takes Lake to catch about 8 crabs. Does that seem reasonable? I would guess so. I will be seeing you soon. How fast does your boat go?

-Fritz Henry

Salmon Jerky

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : reservation@klamathusa.com
Subject : Salmon Jerky
Date : Mon, 02 Jun 2003 17:08:24 -0700

I am ahuge fan of fish!!!! In particular, the salmon!!!! I would love to try some of your world-famous salmon jerky. I will be in the Klamath area next month sometime and would like to sign up for some of the jerky. Will this be difficult. I will be stressed. Will someone there (Andy?) be able to take my brother (Lake Henry) and I down to see the sea lions and seals? Lake loves seals!!! Lake wanted me to grow a moustache like a seal's moustache. Can you believe that? I have a moustache similar to Tom Selleck's moustache, at least I have a moustache similar to what I believe Tom Selleck's moustache was like when he was my age, 34. I imagine that his moustache has changed in the past 15 - 20 years. How old do you think that Tom Selleck is? 49? I used to watch "Magnum P.I.." Do you think that if I was to bring a razor along with me a sea would sit still long enough for Lake to shave off his moustache? I could take a picture of it, if that would help at all. I may need Andy's assistance with the tripod. That's usually something that Lake handles for me. Do you think that it would be possible to take a picture of me with my new seal moustache sitting next to a seal and both of sunning on rocks or swimming in the river delta or eating salmon jerky? Can you believe what an advertising coup that would be for the Klamath USA Woodland Villa Country Cabins? I can.

I refuse to let Lake use any srt of sedative or tranquilizer with the seal. That seems reasonavle right? I remember when were younger and he said that he wanted to put our dog, Peter, to sleep so he could trim his finger nails and then he just poured Nyquil down Peter's throat and then Peter bit me. Do seals bite? I know that they have amazing barks. The y sound just like big hounds. Are the seals in Klamath trained? Should I bring any funny clothes for them?

Thank you. We may want to stay in one of your cabins for a night at some point. I require a microwave for my heat/cold pack.

-Fritz Henry

The Spit

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : explore@trails.com
Subject : The Spit
Date : Mon, 02 Jun 2003 16:46:11 -0700

Hello, I haave recently been checking the trails of Northwestern, CA on Trails.com and I ran across The Spit in Requa, CA. I see that it is a 2 mile out-and-back trek. What I was wondering is this: What if I find myself having a hard time getting back? Would the trail be longer then? My brother (Lake Henry) and I are thinking about taking your trail out there (and presumably back). Lake does not like the ocean. He says that it smells funny. I usually tell him that he used to smell funny too. This does not go over well. I actually have a problem with my nose and he knows this and so he would know that my nose can't even smell anything funny at all, I usually can only pick up the scent of rotting garbage or searing meat or sharpie markers or things of that nature. When I was younger, I went over to my friend, Gordie Mitchell's house and he tried to huff paint thinner and model airplanv glue. I had to watch because my nose is a little not so okay with that sort of thing. I think that this was probably the start of what my dad always calle d my "annoying little shy buttcrack phase."

So what I am wondering is if, Lake and I take the Spit wotards the ocean and then we have a hard time coming back on the trail could actually be an up to 5 or 6 mile walk rather than the 2 mile out and back? What if it took us 4 hours? What if we did it in chunks? I could bring gorp.

Please get back to me. Lake keeps bugging me about it. You will love him.

-Fritz Henry

I LUV PRIME RIB!!!!

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : info@lucky7casino.com
Date : Mon, 02 Jun 2003 00:02:00 -0700

I will be in Smith River next month and would like to take part in the Prime Rib buffet you guys have their at the Lucky 7 Casino. I will be hungry. I was actually wondering if I would be able to get both the baked potato anf the rice pilaf. Is that going to be cool?

I have heard rumors that your casino is an outdoor casino. Is that true? Can you actually gamble among the indians? I will not be referring to the indians as indians and will from here on out call them Indiginans. These are people that deserve some recognition. My ancestors are not from this country and actually (I have heard) wear leiderhosen and knickers. I do not wear anything that resembles women's clothing anymore! When I was younger I was fond of a bustle that I found in my grandmother's trunk in Sioux Falls. I don't really know how you are supposed to wear it, but I would just wrap it aroung my arm. My brother (Lake Henry) used to call me a sally and a nancy. My name is Fritz. I lost the bustle in a fire I started in boy scouts.

I will be by next week to have some ribs and look forward to meeting the Indiginans. Please do not let any dealers speak to me.

-Fritz Henry

Exotic Fish!

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : driftboatdave@hotmail.com
Subject : Exotic Fish!
Date : Fri, 30 May 2003 23:05:33 -0700

Heloo, My name is Fritz. I collect fish! I am a fish collector! I am currently planning a trip up the coast of California. I will be spending some time in Smith River! That will be the closest I've ever come to visiting Oregon! Oregon will be later on. Go California! I am not indiginius to CA. I am a transplant! When I was younger, I used to go fishing with my father. Mybrother (Lake Henry) did not like to fish. My Dad used to say that was ironic. Lake used to say my dad was too harsh. Lake likes water and likes to swim and likes to sit in boats. He thinks that fishing is BORING Captal B!!!! I would like to prove him wrong.

Here's is what I will need yout help with Dave: I will need you to take my brother and I out on your Spring Rogue River Trip. 2) Do not tell Lake what we will be doing or where we are heading. He is a very strong swimmer and would proabably jump from the boat, right off the bat. 3) When we get to see any exotic fish (saltwater, steelheads, northerns, etc.) then we will start to fish. I will need someone from your crew to distract Lake. Do you have a wife or daughter? 4) You will need to bring along a game boy or some other sort of little toy so that Lake will have something to keep his attention besides any women crew members.

So what do you rhink? I think that it could work. I will definitely be coming home with some new fish for my tank. I have a special tank for my Smith River trip. I can only fit one fish in it, so any extra will have to be left on the beach or in a trash can. I don't really care which. Can it be a rainbow trout?

thank you. I look forward to seeing you soon. I am told that Lake will be calling you tomorrow or the following weekend. He will be pushy. Do not be scared of him. You ook big in your picture.

Please respomd,

Fritz Henry

P.S. What does Castellanos mean? It is an interesting las t name. does it mean "quietly wading"?

The fuzz in the garbage disposal

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : sales@arcatapet.com
Date : Thu, 29 May 2003 21:33:21 -0700

Hello, I understand that you are located in Arcata, CA. I think that is a great place to have a pet and pet supply shop! I am interested in purchasong an Habitrail set-up for my rabbit. I understand that Habitrails are usually intended for smaller animals than rabbits, but my rabbit is very small, actually. My rabbits name: Rambo! I love that movie: Rambo!

My rabbit can squash his body very small. If I tried (which I refuse to do) I think that I could make it much smaller. He has a lot of excess space between his thorax and his hips. He is not a female. When I was younger, mybrother (Lake Henry) and I had a hamster named Bugs. I named him after Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny was my favorite cartoon character at the time. I did not know about the infamous propaganda and rascist stereotyping. I am taking typing lessions right now. I'm sorry if I make mistakes. My typing instructor, Ms. Kuriya, says that I have to forget things 5 times before I can remember them! 5 times! I would much rather not ever forget them!

When my family went on vacation to Appleton (to see Grandma Creamer) we left Bugs home with our dog Mickey. Mickey broke through the Habitrail and ate Bugs. Do you think that is a normal thing for a West Highland Terrier to do? Would it matter if I told you that I loved Mickey more than Bugs? How high do you think that a dog like that vould jump? Because I think that Mickey could only jump like 7 to 8 inches. Lake told me that Mickey could jump up onto the washing machine and could bite through the Habitrail. He told me that even though the plastic looked like it was melted by a lighter, it wasn't and that Mickey had jumped up there and bitten through the Habitrail and eaten Bugs and that Bugs and that the fuzz in the garbage disposal was actually mold left-over from the Tater Tot Casserole.

Do you sell Sea Monkeys? I know they are not real! I would like to sell them to the neighborhood kids. I would like the large packet. I will actually take like 4 large packets. Do you also sell the Sea Monkey castle? How much do you think I could charge a tenth grader for a handfull of Sea Monkeys?

I will be by within a week to pick-up the tiny rabbit, sea monkeys, and the scrafn.
Thank you. Please write me soon,

Fritz Henry

Tall Tales?

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : tofm@northcoast.com
Subject : Tall Tales?
Date : Wed, 16 Apr 2003 01:40:11 -0700

My grandfather will turn 88 years old next month! I thought that it would be nice if my brother (Lake Henry) and I could give him a great birthdat present for his birthday. Sounds reasonable? Anyway, we will be in the Klamath area next month around the second or third weekend, and we wanto come up and see the Big Paul Bunyan statute in the Trees of Mystery Woods. So heres my idea: Let's take a BIG picure of Lake and I with the real PAUL BUNYAN!!! You see, for the past 34 years, until tonight, I was under the impression that my grandfather was a lumberjack with Paul Bunyan in northern Minnesota. Of course, I understand that Paul Bunyan probably was not a real person, but instead a big man based on a real person who was also a lumberjack. I've done my research. So imagine how mad I was that I now found out that the real Paul Bunyan or the big man Paul Bunyan was not from Brainerd, MN, but instead from Klamath, CA! I hate my grandfather. He is old. He is not dignified! He doesn't get better with age. I will no longer belive anything that he says to me. Lake still likes my grandfather.

Is it possible that I am overreacting? I odn't think so. He has always been such a "know-it-all." He used to correct my gramas grammar all the time. One time she said, "I gone to the church Sunday for my devotions." The jerk, said, "No, you gone to church Sunday for your ADVOCATION!" So now he says that he cut down trees with some big guy that tromped around in Brainerd, but no he was in Klamath and my grandpa was in Brainerd and not in Klamath. Is it possible that Paul Bunyan was real, and maybe was only slightly taller than my grandfather and that he had a twin brother who was also slightly taller but then things gone blown out of proportions? I've never heard anything about the Ox. My grandfather's name is Richard Dean Henry.

After we take the picture of Lake and I with Paul Bunyan, can we immediatley fax it to my grandfather? He doesn't have a fax machine. They have one in the office. I will call my unlce Charlie to wheel the old man to the fax machine to recive his "birthday fax." I hope that he will be happy knowing that Lake and I know how fake he's been all of these years and that he is bald.

Incidentally, I am interested also in the tree you can drive through. Is there a limit to how long you can spend with your car inside of the tree? I would like to park my car inside the tree and get out and take a picture from the profile so that I can then tell everybody (i.e. grandpa Richard Dean) that we fell asleep and then the tree just grew over us. Can you help me with this? I may also save the picture for my grandchildren.

-Fritz Henry

P.S. When I come to see you and Paul Bunyan next month, will it be necesarry for me to wear anything special. I do not adjust for the weather usually, but I do not want to offend anyone's sensebilities or anything like that. I know that lumberjacks no longer wear flannel, but I would like to wear flannel. I wiil probably wear two flannel shirts. The inner shirt will be grungy and old and the outer shirt will be green. Lake doesn't wear sleeves. He will probably wear a tank top with a lightning bolt on it. Will this be okay? Is it necessary to bring a first aid kit for the Trees of Mystery Tour? Is anyone ever lost on the tour? Have you seen "Lord of the Rings: THe Two Towers"? I know that trees don't talk. If you stand behind the tree, and then moan, I think that we could trick some of the children into thinking that a tree is moaning. What do you think about this? Also, probably something we should try. I'm tired.

If We Are Watching the Whales...

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : bluedragon@mcn.org
Subject : If We Are Watching the Whales...
Date : Tue, 15 Apr 2003 00:41:34 -0700

The other day I asked my brother (Lake Henry), "If we are watching the wwatching the Dodgers, then who is watching us?" Lake did not understand my wuestion, but I think that you, or specifically Captain Jeffrey Kroemer. He takes people out to watch the whales everyday. Do the whales watch back? Is that physically possible. There was this kid, Bryan Miller, that was in my fifth grade math class and he had ears that face forward. He said that he could hear really good in front of him, but not so good to the sides. Lake always picked on Miller. I made friends with mim. I think that he was telling the truth about the directional hearing. Is it possible for a California Gray Whale to focus it's eyes forward towards the people in the boats or even on the people sunbathing on the beach?

This is why I'm asking you this: My brother and I will be in Fort Bragg in about a month or so! We have never been to a military base! Will I need to dress differently while there? Will I need to address my superiors more respectfaully? Lake may have a problem with this. How shall we address Capt. Kroemer? Should we call him Cappy? Cappy was my father's nickname. I would feel much more comfortable around the whales and the water if I was somehow tricked into thinking that my father was driving the boat. My father has never been in a boat!

How close will i be getting to the whales when I am in the boat? I do not want to touch any of the whales! I love mammals. I do not eat red meat. Is it possible for me to eat shrimp on the Patty-C boat as she floats in the Pacific? I did some reasearch with my Encyclopedia Brittanicas and I found out that whales like fish and shrimp and barnacles. I hate fish. I love shrimp! Especially I like to eat popcorn shrimp and cocktail sauce. Is there a Red Lobster (restaurant) in Fort Bragg? Preferabbly I would like to go to one near Noyo Bay, that way I could get all of my shrimp from the Red Lobster and bring it onto the boat with me. I will not feed the whales! SAVE THE WHALES! Lake will not be allowed to stand near me on the boat. He will also be required to "score" his own white-fish or lobster or flapper or whatever.

Lets keep in touch! I will be by later to introduce myseld to all of the Blue Dragon Charter employees! How do you guys feel about pixie stix?

-Fritz Henry

A Much Needed Vacation

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : larishea@horse-vacation.com
Subject : A Much Needed Vacation
Date : Tue, 15 Apr 2003 00:18:28 -0700

Hello, my name is Fritz Henry. I have never ridden a horse before. When I was younger, my family and I went to the Grand Canyon and we watched an elderly couple ride away from us on donkeys (mules?). I will be in hte Fort Bragg area in about a few or weeks or so. I would like to have a horse vacation with your people. Will this be possible? I will not be alone and I have a few worries. My brother (Lake Henry( will be on the vacation with me. I do not want to "share" a horse with my brother. In fact, I would greatly appreciate it if our horses didn't even like each other. It would certainly be a real "night-mare" if our horses really took to each other in the middle of a peaceful ride up the coast.

1)Please do not let my horse stray close to the ocean. I can swim, but I don't really like the briny smell.

2)Please do not allow my horse to see anywhere but in front of him (2a please do not give me a female horse).

3)I will not be wearing Nylons to avoid the rub, as you suggested. I would possible consider something softer: socks, leg warmers, something lacy?

4)Do not allow my brother (Lake Henry) to actually get on a horse. I will not telll him ahead of time. He is not to be trusted with animals. When I was in 6th grade and he was in 10th grade he put a toad in one of those red plastic silly putty eggs and then threw it into the lake. He just kept shouting "exscape! exscape! exscape!"

5)I have aproblem bringing along a pocket knife in the first aid kit that you suggested. I am non-violent. I do not use weapons or aggression. I have whittled before. I did get a Tote'n'Chit Card in webelos. I have not touched a knife since I was old enough to qualify for the draft. I do not own a knife. My brother will be bringing his knife and his billy club (registered).

6) I will need to have someeone cut my food for me at each meal.

7) I love horses! Is it possible for me to get a picture of my horse ahead of time? I would really like to include feelings for him in my meditations. Please, nothing taller than six feet. I do not want to feel inferior next to the horse. I am going on this vacation to relax.

So do you think that I will enjoy the vacation. If it is a problem, I think that I could also rustle up my own horse before the occasion. Although, if this is the case I will eneed to know ahead of time, so that I can "call in" a couple of favors and have the horse meet us there. Thank you for all of your help. I'm sure that we will have fun. I look forward to hearing from you.

-Fritz Henry

P.S. If Lake and I receive horse that are "friendly" with each other, I may become irrational.

Candid Peter Funt

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : question@attpbgolf.com
Subject : Candid Peter Funt
Date : Tue, 08 Apr 2003 03:11:30 -0700

I have a proposal for you and the rest of the family at AT&T Pebble Beach ProAm. Do you think that you would be interested? I will be pitching a new show to a major big-time Hollywood production studio in 5 weeks. The show is called "Candid Peter Funt." I will be playing hilarious pranks on Peter Funt, star of television's "New Candid Camera." One prank that I have planned will involve a man hiding inside of a garbage can outside if Mr. Funt's hotel room. Whenever mr. Funt walks out of his door and wants to throw away his trash, the man in the garbage can will collect all of the garbage that he throws out. After one week he will take all of the garbage, sort it alphabetically, and place it on Peter's bed. SO what do you think?! I know it's not a "showstopper," but I think that it will play. The man in the garbage can may be my brother (Lake Henry). The show will probably be hosted by Steve Guttenberg. It is possible that I will host the show. I look similar to Tom Selleck. I do not have a moustache. So what do you think?

So anyway, what I need you help with, is this: a prank on Peter Funt! It will be a hilarious golf-related prank. I know that he plays in your annual celebrity tournament. What we will be doing is that I will play in your tournament next year in his grouping. I will be posing as Tom Selleck. I will have an artificial moustache. Lake will accompany me as my caddy. What will happen is this: Whenever i go to take a shot, Lake will goose me on the rear and say, "Give it your best shot, Tommy!" Then he will start to rub my shoulders. Next he will be sexually suggestive with my putter. Peter Funt will not believe it! Actually the point of the show is that he will believe it!

I will be coming by your clubhouse around 3:30 pm on May 7th. Can we meet then? I will have a life-size cardboard cut out of both Steve Guttenberg and Peter Funt. I will not be golfing. I am not allowed to shake hands. See you soon.

-Fritz Henry