The Fritz Henry Emails

FUSCHIA!

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : ccfuchsia@charter.net
Subject : FUSCHIA!
Date : Mon, 02 Jun 2003 00:23:24 -0700

Hello, my brother (Lake Henry) and I will be in Crescent City around June 18th and would like to take part in you Fuschia CLub's Rodney Bergquist, AFS President-Insect Pest Program. Will that be acceptable? I have a pest problem. It is not with my fuschia! My fuschia are (is?) fine. My fuschia are (is?) beautiful. I wish I could take a picture of it for you. I will try and take a picture of it for you and bring it up to you so that I can show you a picture of it. I really like to take pictures of flowers! I am a former entrant of the Mendocino Co. Gardens photo contest! I do not know if I won. It is possible. Anything can br possible! Is it possible that Mr. Bernquist could help me with my pest problem?

Here is my problem: I have ants in my bathroom! I have tried everything so far! Lake told me just to spray them with hair spray and light them on fire. I do not have hair spray, so I tried using Pam and it didn't work. More ants came back!! Ugh! Then I just started to step on them. I must have killed at least 40 0r 45 in about 25 minutes! Help me, I've tried everything. I am going bonkers!!!! Should I use aphids? I am told that we have aphids in the laundry area, so I wouldn't hav eto go buy them at OSH or anything like that. Are they dangerous? They're so small. I'm afraid that they could get into my shower without my knowing it.

I made a poen about my aphid problem:

I am not a prude. I shower in the nude. I don't need aphids using me for food. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm just not in the mood. So please take your stinking aphid feet out of my shower, dude!

So what do you think? SHould I send it in? My brother, Lake, knows a publisehr in Toronto. I don't know Canadian money. I will be seeing you soon, maybe in a few weeks.

-Fritz Henry

Be on the lookout.

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : habitat@mcn.org
Subject : Be on the lookout.
Date : Tue, 15 Apr 2003 01:36:15 -0700

Please be aware: My brother (Lake Henry), an accomplished carpenter and womanizer, will be in the Fort Brag area on or near the middle of next month! Do not, under any sort of circumstances, allow Lake to take part in your organization!

He is the best carpenter I have ever seen. He winterized our partents' cabin in St. Croix, WI at age 13. He fixed the sliding door at the church. He can lift 8 - 10 two by fours above his head at one time. He put together the Skimsoen versatile bed fm Ikea in 35 minutes. He will try to help you build houses.

He is the most god awful womanizer that I know. He stole Sara Bauer from me on the Six Flags trip in Physical Science class in junior high. He gave Amy Frerker a neck massage when I was late for the Iowa Barnstormers game in college. When I had finally found, "the one," he told Hye Kim that her "eyes were like candy" and he had "a sweet tooth." Hye left me a week later at Shakey's. I had already paid for the pizza, potatoes, and sodas!

He will steal your women. He can read blueprints. He will not allow the women to work. He knows how to uses a belt-sander. He will not work. He will say the ladies are "on the level." He will call them "QT's with T-Squares." He will not treat them as people. He will wear his "Who needs a Stud-Finder" tee. He will be able to work through calluses and blood blisters. He will be able to work with quick dry cement, post-hole diggers, back-hoes, and plywood. You will catch him "making time" with your woman while you were out renting "Casablanca" and buying Vanilla Coke.

Please be on the lookout for Lake Henry. If you see him or hear from him, please contact me. He is usually sweaty and has brown hair and wears loafers. Sometimes he carries a tape measure. He wears cologne.
I am so sorry, in advance.

-Fritz Henry

Still Life with Flowers and Water and People

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : mcbg@gardenbythesea.org
Subject : Still Life with Flowers and Water and People
Date : Tue, 15 Apr 2003 01:11:32 -0700

I am an amateur photographer! I love cameras and pictures and film speeds! I am not a genius with f-stops or tripods. My brother (Lake Henry) usually carries my tripod and sets it up for me. He tells me that it's okay with him, because it lets him work on his wrist flexers and forearms. He calls them his "problem regions." I try not to think of my body like that: OBJECTIFICTION. I am an artist! I like to think about feelings and emotions and how to picture them with my photos.

Lake and I will be in Mendocino County and Fort Bragg later next month. I will like to be part of your photography contest. I will WIN! I know that it really doesn't matter who wins, but when you're 34, you come back and talk to me and tell me that it doesn't matter if you just keep on losing everything and that you really should just care about the process! I no longer care about the process. In fact, there a re a few things that you could do at the Mendocino COunty Botanical Gardebs to really help me out. I am in no way asking you to play favorites. I do not believe in bribery! Sidenote: When I was 23 I was with Lake while he was speeding in his Camry. We did not get pulled over. Lake said that he didn't care if we got pulled over, becayse he could just give the cop money and they wouldn't report him, besides that he was a good talker and he knew how to convince them of problems with the drive shaft or ancrantic axle so that they would think that the speeding wasn't his fault. I do not know anything about cars!

So anyway, here is what you could do to really help me out:
1)I need you to make sure that I can find some purple-leaf plums, foxglove, and fuschias all within an area with a diameter of about 4 to 4.5 feet.

2)I will be bringing one yellow tulip.

3)I need someone to push the button on the camera when I am standing with the yellow tulip.

4)I will need a woman (Hawaiian? Islander?) to stand with me on the cliff next to the purple-leaf plums, foxglove, and fuschias, while I hold the yellow tulip. It would help if she looked vaguely like the Nancy Travis. I look similar to Tom Selleck. I will be trying to re-enact the famous Grant Wood painting.

5)I would appreciate any help you could give me with finding an accomplished camera assistant in the area. I do not like to work with Lake around women. The assistant could be a owman. If she is a woman, she must be able to work a tripod. If it helps you at all, she could be the one to push the button on the camera. I will not be able to pay the assistant, unless our photograph wins, on which case, I will pay the assistant.

I may send Lake by to scout out the locations before hand. He told me that he was going to be up there next week. He has brown hair and wears loafers. Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, allow Lake to speak with the Nancy Travis Stand-in/Camera assistant! Please respond.

-Fritz Henry

Should I trim it?

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  ted@sedman.org
Subject :  Should I trim it?
Date :  Sun, 16 Feb 2003 17:50:10 -0800

Dear Mr. President,

I stumbled across your website this morning.  I was looking for pictures of moustaches.  In particular a picture of Tom Selleck's moustache.  As President of the Handlebar Moustache Club I figured that you would have the power to help me with this.  I do not have a moustache.  I do own many and various hats.  I own a green one with a turtle face on it and also a red one with a picture of a corvette on it.  I really like moustaches though.  My all time favortie moustache is Wade Boggs' moustache.  He was the chicken man.  He ate fried chicken before every Red Sox game.  Is it common for chicken and moustaches to go together.  I have never heard of the expression; Nothing goes with chicken like a moustache.  Is that true?

Have you ever seen the movie "3 Men and a Baby?"  I am looking for a picture of Tom Selleck's moustache.  Once I have found it, I will then turn the picture into a tranparency and then project it on my face.  I will then let my brother (Lake Henry) trace the projection onto my face with a black sharpie.  Then I will have a moustache.  Good idea?  Is that how you started out too?  Someday I would like to have my own club.  It doesn't have to be with moustaches.  It could also be with rabbits.  Or the internet.  I once had a rabbit named Pam that had some sort of a discoloration above her nose that looked like a moustache, but it was above her nose.  Do you think that is normal?  I guess I mean for a rabbit.  It would be funny to see on a human face too.

Anyway do you have a picture of Tom Selleck's moustache?  I could come by and pick it up on Thursday.  I will be in London for my own good.  I will not be afraid to swing by unannounced.  I understand that is the way for you people in London.  So be ready.  I will bring chicken and a picture of Pam.

-Fritz Henry

Orangutan Asst.

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  sgraham@sandiegozoo.org
Subject :  Orangutan Asst.
Date :  Sat, 15 Feb 2003 16:48:07 -0800

Dear Ms. Graham,

I called in a and spoke to Margarette.  She told me that you were the one to talk to about the Orangutan's Asst. position.  I saw it listed on monster.com and wanted to apply immediately.  I have no experience around animals, but I think that I would be good with this particular animal.  Am I wrong?  Is she needy?  Emotional?  I am strong.  I usually can hold my own.  Can she lift a refridgerator?  Does she require 70 wpm?  I can type about 25 wpm.  I am not A HUNT AND PECK ARTIST!  I can type with my eyes closed and rarely make any mistakes.  Would she get made if I din't shower?  I read in People that you can find your natural pH level if you don't shower for about three months.  It was a problem at my last job.  I don't want it to come to that again.  I am scared of baby monkeys.  Will there be any babysitting involved.  I don't do that.  I also drive a Volkswagon Golf.  Does she like to get facials?  I give a great Eucalyptus facial.  Last weekend I gave my brother (Lake Henry) a facial and he just about peed.  I don't do dictation.  I don't like coffee.  I would be a great assistnat to the orangutan.  Margarette said that her name was Cindy.  I was under the impression that orangutans are not from the USA and so would not have USA names.  Is it okay if I refer to her as Trung?  I will be a good asistant to Trung.  I already think of her as a second aunt.  She will never be my first aunt.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I am a real striver!  I work hard and play hard too!  I live for the weekend.  Will that be a problem?  What is Trung's outlook on booze?   was fired from my last job because of the body odor and the booze.  I do like to share booze though.  I wouldn't object to bringing in bottle of Coors for Trung once a week.  I will be in town tomorrow, see you for lunch!

-Fritz Henry