The Fritz Henry Emails

Selleck

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  webmaster@sag.org
Subject :  Selleck
Date :  Mon, 17 Feb 2003 00:51:09 -0800

I look vaguely like Tom Selleck.  I do not have a moustache.  If I didn't shave underneath my nose for a month, I still would not have a moustache.  So what do you think?  Could I stand-in for Tom Selleck.  My voice sounds like his voice.  We have similar timbres.  I do not know his cadence.  Will this be a problem?  My brother (Lake Henry) actually looks quite a bit more like Tom Selleck, but he will be playing Ted Danson.  Sounds wierd.  I know.  I would normally expect him to play Tom Selleck.  He usually wears a moustache, but has shaved it in order to look a little bit more like Ted Danson.  Next week he will be helping Mrs. Steenburgern (sp?)with her fanmail.  He will ask her if he could pass for her husband.  He does not have gray hair.  He has black hair and strong hands.  He played baseball.  I have never played baseball.  I am the brains.  Do you get that thing a lot?

Anyway, I would like to stand-in for Mr. Selleck.  If I get close enough to him, I would like to examine his moustache.  Will that be possible?  I actually am not 100 percent on board with the plane either.  Also do you pay for relocation?  I live in Valley Glen, but would not feel comfortable living there after I become more known.  Incidentally, do you hear that a lot? Hot.  It's hot here.

-Fritz Henry

I could really use your help

From : "Fritz Henry"
To :  editor@people.com
Subject :  I could really use your help
Date :  Mon, 17 Feb 2003 00:33:37 -0800

I would love if you could help me out of a little fix I got myself in.  Thanks.  I have recently contacted the WGAw about using their theater for my production of 3 Men, a look back at the "3 Men and a Baby" and its sequel.  In order to do so, I had to tell them that I already had all of the interview material ready for Steve and myself (in Selleck costume (of course)) and my brother (Lake Henry) as Ted Danson to read on the stage.  As you could pronbably guess, I don't have the interview material.  I cuold maek something up, but I'm sure that Steve would see through it immediately.  I've heard (I've never met the man) that he is very perceptive.  So does sound like the kind of thing that you do?  I'm not entirely sure if it is.  Probably.  Lake said, "Probably."

The real problem here is that I'm not sure I even want to do the show anymore.  I don't really like the movies.  It's more of a present to my brother (Lake Henry).  He has always loved the movies.  Have you seen the ghost behind Ted Danson?  Lake thinks it's the ghost of a munchkin.  I think it is the ghost of a midget. I know that's semantical, but we like to argue.

What are your interviews with Steve like?  Is he polite?  I would assume so.  Incidentally, I'm thinking about starting my own magazine.  Suggestions?  Sports? Politics?  What is hot right now?  Interviews?  Can I go ahead and send over a courier next week to pick up the copy?  Woudl you feel more comfortable if Lake came to pick it up?

-Fritz Henry

Is this workable?

From :  "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  theater@wga.org
Subject :  Is this workable?
Date :  Mon, 17 Feb 2003 00:18:53 -0800

Hello, what I am wondering is if I could use your theater for my next production?  It is very important to me that I have a viable, amiable, and quality venue for my new show.  What my show is is a new postmodern look at the 3 Men movies staring Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and Steve Guttenberg.  I will be taking an actor (myself) that looks like Tom Selleck, an actor (my brother, Lake Henry), and Steve Guttenberg onto the stage and we will be doing a chorale reading of various scenes from the 3 Men movies and their interviews.  Do you have any suggestions on which interviews to use?  I want to be "in your face," but I don't want to be "too out there."  Maybe you could find one that shows Steve's or Ted's rough exterior but juxtaposes it with his inner side and maybe that inner side could be different than his outer side.  How do you feel about that?  I will then be bringing in a film crew and we will be filming thr thing for release.  Would it be possible to borrow a camera?  I have an Sony camera, but I've heard that it would be better to use a Canon camera.  Is this true?

Do you think that my brother (Lake Henry) could pass for Ted Danson?  He was a stand-in on "Wings."  While Ted Danson was not on "Wings," he was on "Cheers."  Lake has played baseball before too.  Do you need extra help around the theater?  The house?

Anyway, is this doable?  For now I will assume it is.  Steve will be giving you a call next week some time to schedule.  I am not against paying a small rental fee.  I would also give members of your guild free admission.  See you tomorow.

-Fritz Henry

Mail Order Drunk

From :  "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  dean@bartendingschoolnh.com
Date :  Sun, 16 Feb 2003 18:13:27 -0800

Dean,

I am very much in need of your help.  Things may get complicated so I'm going to need you to totally commit before we go any further.  Sound familiar?  I live in California.  I live in Valley Glen.  Have you been to Valley Glen?  I have been to Boston.  When I was 14 and my brother (Lake Henry) was 18 we went to a Kansas concert in Boston.  They played with Alabama.  Was that funny?  I have thought about doing stand-up comedy.  Here would be my first part of the act:

Me (Fritz Henry):  Well, how are you guys tonight?

Audience: Great.

Me: Awesome.  Okay, here we go.  When I was 14 and my brother was 18 we hitchiked to Boston to see Kansas and Alabama, unfortunately the headliners (Chicago) couldn't be there.

Audience:  Ha!

Me:  Has anyone ever been to Jamaica?

So, do you think I have a shot?  I know I'm only one man, but I think that I have somethign here.  I have been working on my act since last month.  Obviously it has a lot to do with New Year's.  Incidentally, did you write 2002 on a lot of checks like I did last month?  Do you use checks or a check card?  The commercials say it's fast er to use the card.  I don't know yet.  My checks have a picture of Ted Danson on them.  This is where you come in.  I love Ted Danson.  I want to learn how to be a swinger like him.  Can you help me with this?  I understand your school is located in Boston and I am not thinking about relocating.  I've worked it out.  I will do everything by mail.  I am good friends with my postman.  He said it would be fine on this end.  He wil not drink anything that I mail.  It will get to you intact.  i will cover the tops with saran wrap and then mail them in long tubes.  Why do they call it a high ball glass?

I will be sending my first drink next week.  It will be a Tom and Jerry.  Who was funnier?  I think that Tom was funny.  Was Tom the mouse?  I think the mouse was funnier.  How much Kahlua do I use?  It would be funny to give a Tom and Jerry to a cat or a mouse.  Is that something you can do there?  I do not have any pets.  Thank you.

-Fritz Henry

For Your Consideration

From :  "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  steve@steveguttenberg.com
Subject :  For Your Consideration
Date :  Sat, 15 Feb 2003 16:50:39 -0800

I have visited your website and have enjoyed all of it.  I like the pictures a lot of you and the motorcycles.  I love motorcycles.  I have never riden on a motorcycle.  My brother (Lake Henry) owns a motorcycle.  He wants to have a motorcycle collection.  DO you think it would be a good thing for him to have?  What sort of motorcycle would you suggest for him to buy next?  His first one has flames on the abdomen.  He calls it Flaming Suzy!  I have never seen him ride it.  Anyway, he doesn't own a helmet and I told him that if he is going to ride it he should be wearing a helmet or at least a big hat.  Safety shuold come first.  Second should probably be POWER.

Anyway, I see that you don't want to use a ghostwriter.  I think that I would like to change your mind about this decision.  I would be a great ghostwriter.  I'm actually thikning about turning it into a job for myself.  Maybe you've heard of me?  I would like to ghostwrite your emails.  Nobody would have to know.  I would not tell nayone at all.  There would not need to be any sort of cash or money involved.  I could do it out of the kindness of my own heart.  Here is a writing sample of what I could do for you:

(letter to you)
Dear Steven,
I love your movies.  Can I get an autoraphed picture of you and your motorcycles?  Blah Blah Blah Blah
Signed,
Beautiful Lady

(my letter to fan)
Dear Beautiful Lady,
I love my movies, too!  We have a lot in common.  My name is Steve.  Have you seen my new offbeat comedy, "PS, I Killed Your CAt?"  No?  Hurry out.  It's fun.  Have a nice weekend.  I will see you on Monday.
Signed,
Steve Guttenberg

P.S. I Killed Your Cat

So, Mr. Guttenberg, what do you think?  Do I show promise?  I already ghostwrite for my brother (Lake Henry).  He doesnt like to talk to mother.  I do the talking for two.

Tell me what you think.

-Fritz Henry