The Fritz Henry Emails

email from Caroly Young / My First Fan!!!!!!!!!!!!

I recently got my first piece of fanmail! I can't believe it! I am a star! I don't know who Caroly Young/Carol Anderson is, but I think we're going to have be together forever in the next few weeks!

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From: Caroly Young (clanderson45@yahoo.com)
To: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
Date: Fri Aug 11, 2006 08:42:45 PM PDT
Subject: Carol Anderson , Oh My...Conesus Lake

Hi Fritz Henry....Do you ignore all women who send you songs? I sent the words to the address on your card so I'm giving you one more chance because I think you are compassionate and kind enough to not leave me out on this limb alone. It was just a week ago tonite that you came and I waited for you tonite but you didn't come. I hope you're up in your North Country and not with that Mollie Frigging Harden. I also think you should have told me about Sue Bauer, since I felt like Mrs. Robinson with my personal life showing when I was with you. The song I wrote is about you and about me and I'm sending it to you because it's yours and I needed to write it to start breathing again. I needed to get that honesty out of the way so I can freely gush about your music. (the oh my started for me before you got out of the boat). You have such clarity in your voice and your gifts vocally and on guitar are astounding. Words are important to me and I don't use them casually and in that spirit I think you are an exquisite musician. In my practice I spend about half my time working with artists of all sorts and the creative process so I know a little of what I'm talking about. It's a great passion of mine as well as rust, patina, light and shadows, symmetry, gardening and architectural structure, anything Indian, primitive,and instinctual, and I do like cold slaw. Now about Sue Bowden...don't go parking in her garage...,I know I'm complicated and I'm trying hard here to find a way and this has really caught me by surprise. I hope that you don't think of me as some psycho-stalker-groupie chick....but I'll take it if it's the only job open. Hey, I didn't start this, you came to me, remember? In any case, I'll send a tape to you, as the music
is good. Warmly, Carol

You came across the water and walked right in my life.
Picked up my 12-string, and made it full of light
Sitting in my kitchen, singing Buffet songs,
Letting me harmonize along.
And all I could think was...Oh My.
And all I could think was....Oh My.

You weren't supposed to be here, I was not expecting you
But this old soul of mine it knows a thing or two.
Not to let a moment pass that won't come round again,
Caught it blowing round the bend, caught it blowing in the wind.
And all I could feel was ...Oh my. Oh my.

I went to the Sierra to hear your Mountain Stream
Got caught up in the current of your talent and your dreams.
I watched you with your friends that night, my eyes into your soul,
And you are as you seem, and you are as you sing.
And my heart said OhMy...my heart said OhMy.

Life is sometimes funny what it brings around
Sometimes with a fury, sometimes with a sound,
In the quiet part of me I know it to be true,
Risk in crossing paths with you.
And your songs are now in my heart..Oh my
And your songs are now in my heart...Oh my.

Today's a Sunny Sunday and I watched the water drift.
Thought alot about you and all your special gifts.
I sometimes think of you out there singing in the night,
Oh, singing in the night.
I smile and say Oh my. I smile and say Oh my.

Out here at the lake it's always 5 o'clock.
There's devil in the eggs and sunscreen on the dock.
I know no way but open, it's just who I am,
And you have become my friend,
You have become my friend. Oh my...Oh my.

I am here surviving just like your weathered barn
A witness to the forces of the weather of the heart.
Some things I just know, it's my gift to you,
To give witness to a moment with you,
To give witness to a moment with you.
Oh my, oh my.

If you can find a way, then find your way back again,
And if not, it's ok, you won't be very far away.
Oh my, my oh my.

(alternative ending...and if not, it's not ok, and I hope
you rot in hell) Please write back or I may write Lake and I'll bet he'll get back to me. xxooxx

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I know, what you're thinking! It was really long! And she's a songwirter! That's so amazing and special and cool and obviously outstanding and fulpretcher! Yo!!! I wrote back to her, because I took issue to a line in one of her songs that she wrote for me and I needed to let her know that she's had it. I think we're still going to be together forever. I may have made this bad for us. I have the tempers.

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From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: Caroly Young (clanderson45@yahoo.com)
Date: Mon Aug 14, 2006 04:14:29 PM PDT

You are my first fan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How about that?!!!???!!!!!???? Is this something you do often? You often are a fan to people? That's great! Super graet!

So, I have so many questions for you? Did you send the words to the correct address on my card? Did you send them to the red box on the wall next to the picture of the Shirley Temple flower? Or did you send it to the Teddy Bear shaped mailbox at the end of the driveway? You should have sent any words to the red box on the wall next to the picture of the wilting Shirley Temple flower with drooping nature drips. I am actually not spending time with Molly Harden. WE broke IT OFF before it got too serious. We were just about to meet for the first time and she flopped and ran (with all of my ink for my bank (THE WEST BANK, now we need ink!) and part of my heart (the other part belongs to my mom (PATTY CREAMER) and my brother (LAKE HENRY)). I would like to hear from Molly Harden again sometime. It's possible she can get me outstanding deals on other types of office supplies (paper cutter? extension chords?). I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SUE BAUER. I PROMISE YOU.

I liked your song so much that I read the whole thing and then wehn I was done reading it I thouhgt about it. This is what I think about it: If there is such a thing as devil in the eggs and sunscreen on the dock, then what the gracious is next? I eat eggs all the time and I eat them without devil. I specifically ask for them to be "devil free." I go out of my way to order eggs which are filled with GOD and GOD alone. I can't even emagine what it would be like to eat eggs with devil inside. Eggs are nature's seed and nature uses eggs to grow things. In particular CHICKENS and BIRDS. I don't like birds (at all), but I do eat a lot of birds. I also eat birds and egggs. I bet you think that's stupid. I bet you would have something to say about this. I bet you would say there's devil in my dumb stupid chicken! There is not devil in my chicken. I specifically order chicken with only the father, the son, and the holy spirit inside. It tastes like chicken. So you can write your songs and you can write about sunscreen on the dock and you can take your stupid devil eggs and mail them to starving kids in Africa and Somalia and Ethipoa and everywhere and China and maybe they'll eat your evil eggs with the devil inside and not know that what they're eating isn't even CHRISTian. How do you think about that?

-Fritz Henry

p.s. I just remembered deviled eggs. They're good, as long as they don't have an overabundance of paprika and spices and they're served in Tupperware. So, don't send those to Africa. I want them.

email from Sue Bowden / the invisible principle of all life

I got an email from Sue Bowden finally! She wrote me this great peom about garages and feathers and boots and it's awesome and I can't believe she wrote me. I don't know who she is, but it's exciting because I think we are going to be dating sometime!

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From: Sue Bowden (SueBowden@mail.ru)
To: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
Date: Tue Jul 11, 2006 03:29:25 AM PDT
Subject: NEK

nothing seemed to have changed in the garage since the last time. The dump his sixteen point vertical slow roll and the next day topped it off with a We got up into the boot, and Kirill took the controls and said: invisible principle of all life. Then, as he spoke, his feathers went

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Now you see why I am so worked up! I can't control what I'm thinking about at all! I love this!

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From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: Sue Bowden (SueBowden@mail.ru)
Date: Thu Aug 03, 2006 06:10:43 PM PDT

Now, Ms. Bowden (Ms. or Mrs? Or Miss? Are you married is what I'm asking. I think we should think about thinking about getting married. Because we have a lot in common, for instance, we both like change, of course in my case it's coins and in your case it's changing your garage so it doesn't look like a dump. Let's make this happen!) your email to me really really really interested myself and what I like in a woman (features like Nancy Travis, hair, eyes, weight, etc.)! Am I wrong here? Don't ask my brother (LAKE HENRY). In fact, don't talk to my brother (LAKE HENRY). He is a womanizer and he will steal your attention from me. Also do not talk to Basil Obed's brother (JAFAR OBED) I have heard he's just like my brother (LAKE HENRY). I suppose you like that (strong arms, muscles, goatee, skin, eyes, etc.) Why wouldn't you want to meet my brother (LAKE HENRY)? All women do. You don't have to feel bad. Just because we have something incredibly in common between the two of our hearts and minds and spirtits and things.

Let me tell you waht I can offer you: my heart, my mind, my imitable spirit, my bank (THE WEST BANK, now we've got spirit, yes we do), my photography (flowers, animals, fish, Hawaii, etc.), my balding head, my hairy back, my love for John Candy. I have everything you could ever want in a man (email ability). So, what's the hold up. Seriously, do not ever even think about thinking about talking to my brother (LAKE HENRY). He will eat you alive. He is not a cannibal. I am not challenging you. I am not calling him a bad boy so you will like him. I am laying it out straight. I am straight. Lake (and probably Jafar) are not to be trusted. They do not work at my bank (THE WEST BANK, now we can be trusted!)

I read your email to me and it made think about my life and about what I'm doing with my life and what I could be doing with my life and what I've done with my life and other people's lives and what they're doing and about garages. And this is what I've figured out: the invisible principle of all life is this: trust. Everything is based on trust. And money. Do you have any money? Would you trust me enough to put your money in my bank (THE WEST BANK, now with one parking spot!)? I would.

-Fritz Henry

p.s. Who's Kirill? (boyfriend? I hope not. I just broke up with my girlfriend (Molly Harden). HINT HINT. ) Also, if you know anywhere to get more cheap ink cartridges for my printer, that would be super cool too.

email from Flossie Rivera / someone who DOES NOT ACCEPT THE ORDINARY

The other day I got an email from an idividual named "Flossie Rivera." I'm pretty sure it was poetry and I'm pretty sure it was good. This sparked my interest and I wanted to know more and also I wanted to meet Flossie. Here is his (her (probably his (possibly hers))) email:

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From: Flossie Rivera (FlossieRivera@mail.ru)
To: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
Date: Tue Jul 11, 2006 06:35:01 AM PDT
Subject: LVL

"Fine thing," he said to me. "They're looking for you all over the himself. Such promises are only for the gulls that accept the ordinary. Zone to grab everything they can lay their hands on. It's become a whole new quietly with them all, exhorting them never to stop their learning and

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Here is my response:

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From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: Flossie Rivera (FlossieRivera@mail.ru)
Date: Tue Aug 01, 2006 05:24:41 PM PDT

Dear Mr. (Miss?) Flossie Rivera,
You sound like someone who can get things done! I can see that you are not a "gull" who "accepts the ordinary!" That's very impressive! I hate birds. I am not lying here. I hate them. Do not get me started on the Lorakeet exhibit at the Long Beach Aquariaum of the Pacific in Long Beach! I hate them! No joke, but I have seen a "gull" pick up a "clam" and then drop the "clam" onto a "rock" and then go back down and pick up the "clam" and then the "clam" is open and you can see the "inside of the clam" and then the "gull" eats the "clam!" And then, without dipping it's "beak" into the "ocean" or anything, the "gull" fratracideses with other "gulls" and everything!! They are filthy! I wash my hands! Believe me! I wash my hands whether I want to or not! Also, I hate clams.

So, here is the service that you are going to end up providing for me whether you like it or not: you are going to help me out with something. Sounds plausible? Sounds like a good deal, I'll say. To me, you have nothing to lose. I am starting up a bank (THE WEST BANK, we do not accept clams) and I have some issues with money money money! I don't have money. I have multiple investors promising me money from Africa (Charlton Davies and Peter Clive, Basil Obed and Jafar Obed, and Hajia Mariam) All in all, the money adds up to something like $30 Million US Dollars. This is where you come in: you can get the money. They need someone (someone who DOES NOT ACCEPT THE ORDINARY, i.e. You, Flossie Rivera) to say they are a long lost family member and open a few (totally legal) accounts overseas. This is where you come in: you can do it!!!! I have no problem accepting the fact that you could bend the truth (LIE) like this. I can not. I am not a good liar. I AM NOT A GOOD LIAR AT ALL. I am so gullible. If someone wanted to trick me into getting money from me that belongs to me, they could do it. This is where you come in: you must travel to Europe and Africa and open thses account and get the money and then bring the money back to the US to deposit into my bank (THE WEST BANK, now with more money (from Flossie Rivera (cross your fingers America)))! Simple! I would have my brother (LAKE HENRY) do it, but he's a skeeve. I know I shouldn't talk about my blood like that, bu t realistically he's a "GULL" who only likes "CLAMS." Is that someone I want working for my bank (THE WEST BANK, no longer serving birds)? Nope. N-O-P-E-R-S. Nope. Question answered by me.

I'll see you in a few minutes.
Belovedly Yours As Usual,
Fritz Henry

p.s. Are you a man or woman, because if you're a woman, you can forget everything. I don't turst you.

email from Hajia Mariam / THE WEST BANK, now with more Hajia! And plenty of Obed, to boot!

Hey, I just got this email a few weeks ago from this cool lady from Nigeria! I have so many friends in Africa. I have never been to Africa! I want to go to Africa. I want to stay with Hajia!

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From: hajia mariam (hajiamariam_12@hotmail.com)
To: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
Date: Thu Jul 06, 2006 06:58:11 AM PDT
Subject: HELLO.

Dear Beloved,
Due to the sudden death of my husband General Abacha the former head of state of Nigeria in June 1998, I have been thrown into a state of hopelessness by the present administration.I have lost confidence with anybody within my country.I got your contacts through personal research,and had to reach you through this medium. I will give you more details when you reply. Due to security network placed on my daily affairs I cant visit the embassy so that is why I have contacted you. My husband deposited $12.6million dollars with a security firm abroad whose name is witheld for now till we communicate. I will be happy if you can receive this funds for safe keeping and I assure you a very good percent of this fund I will instruct my son to contact you so please feel free to comunicate with my son. I await your urgent response, Hajia Mariam.

NOTE:
PLEASE I WOULD WANT YOU TO REPLY ME VIA MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS:
AND ALSO SEND ME YOUR CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT MY SON MUSTAPHA CAN CALL AND DISCUSS WITH YOU VERBALLY REGARDING THIS TRANSACTION SO THAT YOU CAN ASK ANY QUESTION THAT YOU FEEL LIKE ASKING REGARDING THIS TRANSACTION.

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I thought it was so nice of her to want to get my help to get her money and to want to give my phone number to her son, Mustapha (sounds like the real deal!)!!!!! So, I sent her back an email to invite her to take part in the WEST BANK:

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From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: hajiamariam8@yahoo.com.hk
Date: Mon Jul 31, 2006 05:07:04 PM PDT

Dear Ms. Hajia Mariam,
I am in a very similar state to what you are dealing with. On the first front, my brother (Lake Henry) is being a total crumb bum and no good fart knocker. He for one stole four of my sugar free Red Bulls and for a second thing he did wrong, he then drank the red bulls in front of me while he trampled my new garden of flowers I had predicted would be the first flowers to adjourn the walls of my new bank (THE WEST BANK, now open longer hours on Wednesdays and Chrsitmas!). And then to make everything worse that he'd done, he told me that due to my not having ever opened a "stupid bank" before, I was not going ot have the funds or the withall to do what I have set out to do: open a bank (THE WEST BANK, now we have also have $10 bills! And Twenties!) I would have knocked him in the chicken, but the current residence of the West Bank also happens to be the current residence of myself (FRITZ HENRY) and my brother (LAKE HENRY) and don't think that since it's a business THERE SHOULD BE NO FIGHTING AT ALL IN THE WEST BANK. Unfortunately, my brother (LAKE Henry) saw in my eyes taht i was going to sock him in the turkey, so he hauled off and layed me out flat on my donkey.

Here is what I propose to you and to me, so that we can ease and not harm both of situations at the moment: I propose that you and I get together (not sexually, YOUR LAST HUSBAND WAS A GENERAL THAT'S INTIMDATING) and I may be getting married soon to Ms. Lovely Molly Harden (INK JET CARTRDIGES), so sex would be (out) of the question (at this point).! Sounds good? Probably on your end and possibly on mine too! Let's get together, with your money and my bank (THE WEST BANK, we no longer have Red Bulls). I already have plenty o finvestors. WE have have Charlton Davies and Peter Clive, we have Molly Harden (my future wife) and we have Basil and Jafar Obed. Basil and I would be particularly happy if you joined our team (THE WEST BANK, now with more Hajia! And plenty of Obed, to boot!)

If you would like to get involved (YOU DO LIKE TO GET INVOLVED), if you would like to get involved, then you must call email me within the next 15min and we can make this happne. I will need your home phone number, along with your social security number, any major credit card numbers, your home address, a birth certificate, molds of your fingertips, a copy of your drivers license, multiple pictures of yourself at different ages, mapquest directions to your home and your children's schools, a list of your favorites (foods, colors, movies, music, etc.) and one case of sugar free Red Bull! Let's make this happen in 2006! Go Nigeria! And California! In 2006! I'm thirsty!

Belovedly,
Myself (FRITZ HENRY)

p.s. Your husband died in 1998 and you're still sad? That's really too bad. I had a really good camera (Canon Sureshot Elph with lenses and super sight), which my brother (LAKE HENRY) broke when I was 33 and I got over that in about 3 years, so maybe it's time for you to move on too. Woud you like to meet my buddy Basil Obed or his brother Jafar?

Email from Basil Obed / Cheaper Than Washington Mutual!

The other day I got an email from Mr. Basil Obed and his brother (Mr. Jafar Obed) in Africa! I don't even know anyone there! It's exciting! He had another business opportunity for me. I think my dream of opening my own bank (THE WEST BANK) is going to happen with so many people jumping on board: Charlton Davies, Peter Clive, Molly Harden, Basil Obed & Jafar Obed! That's a lot of people! Here is Mr. Obed's email to me:

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From: Basil Obed (basil_obed@yahoo.com)
To: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
Date: Mon Jun 26, 2006 03:59:53 AM PDT
Subject: VERY URGENT

Attention Please,
I am contacting you believing you are honest and trustworthy person. I believe you will not betray the confidence my family are willing to repose in you,for have contact you even though we haven't meet in person before.My name is Basil Obed , a citizen of southern Sudan, the son of Mr. Jafar Obed. My father was a business man and well known Gold dealler from Darfur in Sudan. I am presently in Senegal with my mother Abok Obed. My father Mr. Jafar Obed deposited the sum of US$7.500.000.00 Million (Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) under a custody of Finance Firm in Senegal in my name (Basil) as the next of kin to the above fund.We need to transfer the money to a foreign trustee with interest to secure a sustainable investment.

We are therefore soliciting for your assistance to help us receive the money out from Senegal and as well to transfer it into your private or company account for our investment in your country under your care. You are advised to visit this website where you will find more details and informations .

Please reply immediately you receive this mail for further discussion and also tell us the amount you will take as your rewards for helping us to handle the transfer to your position for us to give you more details information of the deposit. We will give you the deposit Certificate immediately you indicate your willingness to be our foreign business partner.

Thanks for your anticipated understanding and co-operation.
Best regards,
Basil/Abok Obed.

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Today I wrote him back detailing my plan for using his money to benefit us both! Totally!

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From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: basil_obed@hotmail.com
Date: Fri Jul 28, 2006 06:12:47 PM PDT

Hey, Mr. Obed! Finally finally finally we meet (not in person) ! I am so excited and anticpated about this whole thing we have going on! You could not have hit me up at a better time. You may have heard from my buddies Charlton Davies and Peter Clive from Reputable Bank in UK that I am soon going to start up a new bank in the Western United States of America (THE WEST BANK, #1 in Banking and Savings!). I am also (THANK GOD AND HEAVEN) going to have some help from my friend Molly Harden with getting cheap printer ink for the printing of checks and statements and faxes and bills and tabs and flyers and cards and calendars and newsletters and nametags and envelopes and return address labels and so forth!

So you can imaging that when you are offering me US$7.500.000.00 Million for helping set up an account, I am excstatic! That amount of money would be the perfect amount of money to start up my bank (THE WEST BANK, Now with 1 Branch in the US!). So here is what we are going to do, you (MR. BASIL OBED) and your brother (MR. JAFAR OBED) will take planes, trains, and automobiles (Hybrid?) to my bank, which will be located in a handy location, either Santa Ana or Waikiki or Otter's Crossing in Oregon. Then you will fill out one opening of an account slip (IF YOU HAVE ANY NOTES ON WHAT THIS SHOULD LOOK LIKE, PLEASE DON'T BE SHY. I HAVE NEVER OWNED OR OPERATED A BANK BEFORE (DO NOT TELL THIS TO INVESTORS!)) there will be a minimum account size of $95 (cheaper than Washington Mutual!) and then you will have an account in the United States (probably will not be insured, also I can't afford security guards or vaults or fire insurance at this point, also the bank may look like an apartment and the teller window may look like a pass-through between a living room and a dirty kitchen)! And then I will call from your cell phone to the bank in Senegal and ask polititely that they mail it in cash to my bank (DEFINITELY NOT LOCATED IN MY APARTMENT)!

So, yeah! Now you guys have an account with your totally legal monies. it will be a shared account between brothers, whish is awesome! I have a brother too (LAKE HENRY). I'm sure your brother (JAFAR OBED) and my brother (LAKE HENRY) would get along. Is Jafar a womanzier?

So, let's do this! And as an acceptable fee for my part in your opening up an account at my bank and getting your money transfered from Senegal, I accept a fee of only US$7.000.000.00 That leaves you with over a half a million US $ to start up your own business (INTERNET RELATED?)!

I'll talk to you tomorrow,
Love,
Fritz Henry

email from Molly Harden / You should look at least partially like Nancy Travis

The other day I got an email from this super great lady named Molly Harden who wanted to offer me a great savings of a lot of money on ink for my printer. Really cool of her. Here's the email:

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From: Molly Harden (participate_joyful@inksforcheap.biz)
To: ericroush@mac.com, bigfritzhenry@mac.com
Date: Wed Jun 21, 2006 06:06:57 AM PDT
Subject: High quality ink for lowest prices ever!

cheap prices don't mean cheap ink!
come to us, we have top quality for great deals!

bib ness, valine beguile. eben commando.
carlyle nantucket grackle, talky newlywed.

To prevent being notified again, please check

date elbow, mckeon brow. asinine expensive.
annulling crucify monongahela, abscissae savoyard.

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I really thought her offer was a great deal and I wanted to take part in it and further our relationship, so I sent her an email:

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From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: Molly Harden (participate_joyful@inksforcheap.biz)
Date: Thu Jul 27, 2006 03:36:06 PM PDT

Hey, Ms. Harden, you are an absolute lifesaver, I can't tell you how much this means to me that you are offering me such ridiculous saving on ink for my home/office computer! I love you! LITERARILLY! I want to get married to you and your ass.
Here are three things I look for in a potential wife:
1) The name Molly - You have it!
2) A never ending supply of cheap ink - Bingo!
3) A good torso to limbs ratio - Preferably 1 torso to 4 limbs
4) Needs to know how to use email efficiently and performancely and professionally - I'm on my email all the time!
5) You should look at least partially like Nancy Travis and/or the women from the movie, "The Great Outdoors" (not the brunette, if you know what I mean) Although if you look like only one of Nancy Travis or the camping lady, then I suupose I could make do with it. I look sort of like John Candy, but sort of John Goodman. I've been called a husky Louie Anderson and Tom Selleck with a moustache. I also have been told that I wasn't delivered by a stork like most babies, but by a gorilla, who dragged me in at age 3 by both ankles and plopped me butt first into my mom's crotch. I don't think this is true (CAN'T SUBSTANTIATE?!), but I NEVER RULE ANYTHING OUT.

This is what I need from you: I need you to give me a bunch (tons or more) of ink for cheap! I think this can happen! Also, I am starting a new bank (THE WEST BANK) with my friends Charlton Davies and Peter Clive from UK and my brother (LAKE HENRY). I expect the ink to be banknote ready and also ready for printers and copiers and for checks and for xeroxes of faxes of my butt. It's a vice of my habits that I photocopy faxes of my butt! Have you ever tried it! I have a bigg butt! I don't mean anything not literally! Have you ever been to Hawaii?

Love (let's get married),
Fritz Henry (Mr. Molly Harden?)

p.s. Just to make it official, we cuold tell people we're already having sex with each other. I already told my brother (LAKE HENRY) and he said, "Unlikely." He's wrong. We are.

p.p.s. If I can pick out the colors for our wedding, I think they should be: eben commando and carlyle nantucket grackle.

email from Charlton Davies / Sweet And Sour Pork balls along with the lime jello with the mystery fruit in it

Yesterday a nice man named Charlton Davies sent me an email about a huge business opportunity in the United Kingdom at reputable Bank! He wanted me to email him back through his best friend in the world, Peter Clive! I did!

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From: charlton davies (charlton_57@mail.ru)
To: charlton_57@mail.ru
Date: Fri Jun 16, 2006 01:03:41 AM PDT
Subject: MAY I PLEAD FOR YOUR INDULGENCE

Dear Sir,
I am a senior staff of a reputable Bank in United kingdom . I am writing following an opportunity in my office that will be of immense benefit to both of us.
In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of 3.5million
British Pounds Sterling (Three Million Five hundred thousand British
Pounds) in an Account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who is now
late. I want to present you as the Next of Kin to these Funds as all
formalities have been put in place for the claims of these Funds in your name .
Thanks for your understanding and as I await for your quick reply via clivepet@uk2.net
Regards,
peter clive

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Here's what I wrote back to those bankers! This is really exciting. I think this will really pay off for all of us involved!

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From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: charlton davies (charlton_57@mail.ru)
Cc: clivepet@uk2.net
Date: Wed Jul 26, 2006 04:52:36 PM PDT

Dear Mr. Davies & Mr. Clive,

This is so awesome, because this is something I've been thinking about getting into in the future. I am thinking about opening my own bank, I think it will be in Hawaii or possibly in Oregon or in California. Do you have any advice upon that subjetct? Banks is the subject I'm referring to and specifically opening a bank. I will need senior staff members (HINT HINT). Is this something you would be interested in? Even more coincidence in your offer is that my bank which I am starting on the west coast of America and plan to call the West Bank, is going to specialize in British Pounds Sterling and American Pounds Tin and Rubber. We are going to be off the hook (not sure if I'm using the phrase right. I heard my brother (LAKE HENRY) use it once at a bar in Waikiki, Hawaii.)

Have you ever been to Waikiki? It's ingenous! I ultimately love it and then I think next I'm not so keen on it. Here, this is why: My brother (Lake Henry) and I were at this Chinese Buffet in Waikiki, Hawaii and there was this beautiful girl who worked there (Ling? Mei? Sara? I don't know what her name was, but I think we can fill in the blanks here). And then I asked her if there was going to be more of the Sweet And Sour Pork balls along with the lime jello with the mystery fruit in it. Do you know what she said? Probably not. Do you know who I'm talking about? Do you have Chinese Buffet's in United Kingdom near reputable Bank?

Transcript of my conversation with Ling Ling (chinese buffett waitress with mole and tight jeans (may have not been Chinese) blonde hair?):

Fritz: Hey, you are a nice person. Do you have more of the sweet & sour pork balls coming out to the line with more of the lime jello with chopped fruit included inside coming out to the line as well?

Ling Ling: I don't even work here. DO you think because I am a Chinese American that I work at this buffett?

Fritz: Yes.

Ling Ling: That's terrible.

Fritz: Do you think they are going to have more pork balls and jello?

Ling Ling: I hope not.

Isn't that terrible? Anyway, do you want to put my name on the account for all the money? Here's what we can do: You can get the money in my name, help me open the West Bank and then if you want to (I"m not forcing you), you can give me a back rub (look out for the ingrown hairs, PLEASE!) PLEASE NOTE: I will only be the next of kin, if it involves the opening of the West Bank and a large installment of American Pounds Tin and Rubber deposited into an account with my brother (Lake Henry)'s name on it in a bank in Santa Ana, CA.
Thanks for everything. I've enjoyed everything immensely.

Sincerely,
Fritz Henry

Just like the Samurais!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: info@kaohinani.net
Date: Mon Jun 19, 2006 05:36:16 PM PDT

Mahalo (in Japanese)! I love your Hawaiian Quilter's Club website! I am a huge huge huge super fan of Hawaiian quilting and Hawaiian people! I don't know Japanese! This is my problem: Your site is in Japanese writing and language. So, what can we do about this? I have a few needs to be met as far as Hawaiian quilts and quilting lessons and pictures of people making quilts and pictures of people making quilts and pictures of people making quilts are concerned. I would also like to take a picture of a quilt that is made up of squares that have pictures of the people of Hawaii re-enACTing their heritage! THis sounds like a lot of fun, right?!

Here's what I need you to do:
1) Translate your entire site from Japanese to English (not HAWAIIAN please)
2) I need you to book me a room for multiple nights at the Hale Koa hotel in Waikiki (3 or 4?)
3) I need you to make a gross of quilts for me (144? metric?) Do you use metric in Japan? Are you in Japan? Or Hawaii? Was Hawaii part of Japan? I don't know history of geography. I do know that Hawaii has become a United States' State! Number 50! Go!
4) I need every 7th quilt to be in the shape of a cape and big enough to fit my brother (LAKE HENRY). He's about as tall as me, but he's a little bit thinner and has a thick nect. Does this help? He might also be wearing one shoe only, so may have to make quilt/cape lopsided! Just like the Samurais! My borhter (LAKE HENRY) does not have a sword! But he does have a ponytail. Just like the Samurais!
5) I need you to explain to me what Hawaiian quilting is. I'm not so clear on that yet, but I'm getting there. CROSS YOUR FINGERS! OR DO THE JAPANESE/HAWAIIAN EQUIVALENT! (I've heard this has something to do with roast pig???)
6) I need you to pay for plane tickets for myself and my brother (LAKE HENRY) to fly to Waikiki, HI for three to four days. You can book us on any flight from any airline, as long as we leave from John Wayne International Airport. Go Rooster!
7) And this is a biggie! I need you to make us fake ID's cards. I know what you're thinking, and that's exactly why I need them. We got kicked out of Da Big Kahuna and now they have our pictures up. So, you should make up new names for us. Fitz Henry? Blake Henry? One should have a picture of me (smiling). One should have a picture of my brother (LAKE HENRY) and he should be smiling. If there is any problem (quilting regulations? passport forgery? disease?) let me know ahead of time. Whatever it is, we can get over it, as long as we stick together. JUST LIKE THE SAMURAIS! Have you seen the "Samurai Seven?" Just like that. And like the "Three Amigos." (not samurai)

So, I guess it sounds like this is all going to happen! I'm so excited. Hawaiian quilters are so nice and professional!

A'ha mahalo Kaohinani!

-Fritz Henry

I am an American and a patriot!

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: reservations@ambassadorwaikiki.com
Date: Thu Jun 15, 2006 05:00:49 PM PDT

Mahalo and friendly greetings to my fellow Americans at the Ambassador Waikiki hotel!
I am excited to be a part of everything you stand for! At least for a night or two. Maybe three. Is there an average aomount of time that the average American (Go us!) needs to truly soak up the Ambassador lifestyle? I wonder about this. I bet you have a POOL! Wow, everything is really coming together for me these days. I have a new job (sales), a new apartment (with my brother (LAKE HENRY)) and a brand new outlook on life (American!)! Excellente (spanish for excellent)!!!
I have been to Waikiki many mnay many many times. I really don't think you would believe me if I told you how many. Twelve. I have stayed at many hotels over that time period (do not call the Hale Koa). I want to extend my visits to your hotel (why wouldn't I?) My brother (Lake Henry) travels with me, to "keep me in check." I don't think is however necesarry for him to do. I think that I "keep him in check." Probably, right? I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that subject! Phew! I hate my family ties.

So, this is when we are going to come: at some point in the next few months. At all depends if Lake's girlfriend dumps him or not and if we can get his work to pay for us to come. He has a whole boat (kayak?) load of stuff he could do for work in Hawaiii! I went to a coffee shop there and got an omelette and then the lady said, "Mahalo!" It was so authentic! Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you ever been to an ABC store?

I am a profusely sweater. I sweat all the time. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. (sp?) Mostly I sweat because I am hot. Also I am always hot. I love Hawaii for this reason. Have you ever been in the marines? I bought some sunscreen at the ABC store near Hale Koa and then I brought the sunscreen into my room, but I certainly was not the one who spelled out my full name (Fritz Wallace Henry) on the carpet and then stamped it in while wearing my flip flops. I guarantee you that no matter what any of the people who work at Hale Koa hotel (marines?) say, even if they say they saw someone who looks like me (tall, husky, balding on sides, some back hair, never wears a shirt, moles, etc.) doing so, they are definitely lying. I am an American and a patriot! Also, don't talk to the people at Duke's.

Aloha, let's make this happen. Mahalo.
-Fritz Henry

email from Roderich Hinson/HUGE JECKPOT NEEDS!

Yesterday a nice woman named Jo-Anne Henley or a man named Roderich Hinson (unclear?) from www.apc.com was nice enough to send me an email about "Regular Cash Bonuses." I decided to respond.

-----------------------

From: jo-anne henley (roderichhinson@apc.com)
To: thaddus carmichael (bigfritzhenry@mac.com)
Date: Tue Jun 13, 2006 09:31:44 PM PDT
Subject: Regular cash bonuses

Over 60 games to choose from. Why leave home for vegas action?
- Over $ 8OO BONUS
- 24for7 support
- Instant payouts
- HUGE JECKPOT! http://modagen.com/casino/

better-principled well-advised automobile sled
mid-breast malleable iron tennis marker
egg apparatus grana cheese rock-cleft
damask carpet crimson-spotted blasting needle
rubber knife topsy-turvical rude-carved
road racing twice-notified six-wheeler

--------------------------------

--------------------------------
Here's my response, sent this morning to investor relations at Jo-Anne Henley/Roderich Hinson's employer, American Power Conversions Corporation.

--------------------------------

From: bigfritzhenry@mac.com
To: investorrelations@apcc.com
Date: Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:58:25 AM PDT

Hey, investor relations! I love your company. Everytime I need AMERICAN power converted I come to American Power Conversion Corp! Wow! I'm so glad I finally heard from you guys extending your business sense to me, without me actually having to come to you guys! So, listen, Jo-Anne Henley (Roderich Hinson) sent an email to me, Fritz Henry (Thaddus Carmichael), about the "HUGE JECKPOTS" you guys have available to me. I've included the original email at the end of my email.

But I'm confused I went to your www.apc.com website and I didn't find anything about "HUGE JECKPOTS." I am a jeckpot fanatic and I really love everything about jeckpots and what they're all about. So, you might understand why I would be so disappointed when I came to American Power Conversion for my Huge Jeckpot needs and went away empty hended. So, what I'm going to do now, is put my huge jeckpot needs in your able hends. How does that sound? DO NOT TRY AND SWINDLE ME! I am a gullible and I will fall for it. I also write commericals and songs for people as well as ghostwriting emails. I was a fanmail ghostwriter for John Goodman, Steve Guttenberg and Trung the 104 year-old orangutan (not as old as Joop, don't get excited. It's not a competition!)

So, here's what I'm willing to offer you: If you can take care of my HUGE JECKPOT needs, I will be more than willing to ghostwrite your emails to your customers. Here is an example:

from: Thaddus Carmichael
to: Fritz Henry
subject: HUGE JECKPOT NEEDS

Dear Mister Henry, you sound like a handsome man. Am I right? I am right. You are handsome. Also, about the huge jeckpots. You guessed it. We'll send them right over to you. You can never have a big enough jeckpot. Anytime you want to store your jecks be sure to contact us at American Power Conversions Corporation! We love you and your jecks, almost as much as we love Roderich Hinson and Jo-Anne Henley!
-Thaddus Carmichael

So, Investor Relations at American Power Conversions Corporation, do we have the continuation of a beautiful friendship and business partnership? Or do we have a disastrous end to my home supply of pots for my HUGE jecks?

Sincerely,
Fritz Henry

p.s. I have never gone by the name Thaddus Carmichael, but I am willing to give it a try. Sounds jeckworthy!