The Fritz Henry Emails

She Was A Perfect 10.0!

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : naskahler@aol.com
Subject : She Was A Perfect 10.0!
Date : Thu, 03 Apr 2003 23:26:05 -0800

Dear Steph,
I saw your "Days of Our Lives" page today when I was looking for info. I have never seen the show. I do see the commercials every day during "The Other Half." Have you ever seen that show. I love Mario Lopez. His dimples are the best! I have one dimple. I tried making a second dimple when I was younger. I slept on top of a thumb tack for three months during third grade. My brother (Lake Henry) told me that I was just being a "stupid butt-rag." I was not doing that. It hurt so bad that I almost "bought the farm!" I didn't do that though. I never got my second dimple. I call me self the "assymetrical ape man." I also have a lot of thick body hair. I do not look like a chimp. Sometimes after I take a shower I look like a bonobo monkey. Not really though. I am a human... and I need to be loved! Do you know that song?

So anyway, I contacted you because I need to find this girl that I met during Spring Break in 1991. I was out witnessing on the beach in Cancun and I ran into this beautiful girl that said her name was Hope. I said, "I hope that you will go to Senor Frog's with me tonight. Don't worry I won't be aggresive." She told me that she would see me in the bubble room at 10:00. I lived up to my part of the bargain. I never saw her again. I just pray that she was abstaining that night. Then last week I was watching Danny and Dorian and Mario and Dick and then I saw Hope on a commercial for your show. So, how do I get in contact with her. I am still not married. Is Hope married? She had beautiful dimples. I could look at her dimples all day for at least three or four days in a row without having to go to the bathroom.

Please send me her contact info. I am free on Saturday and would like to talk to her about things.

-Fritz Henry

Mr. Krakiakas (sp?)

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : beth@bethsdayspage.com
Subject : Mr. Krakiakas (sp?)
Date : Thu, 03 Apr 2003 23:06:40 -0800

Dear Beth, I was glad to see that you are such a "Days of Our Lives" fan. My brother (Lake Henry) won;t let me watch the show. He says that I would be labeled a "homo" by my "peers" if I watched the show. Is that true? My name is Fritz. Is that a "homo" name? I think that it is a tough name. If my name was Franz, then I'd understand Mr. Halifax (from next door) calling me a "homo" when I wear my Sponge Bob Tee in the elevator. I like women!! I especially like soft breasts! They're beautiful! I just want ot watch "Days of Our Lives."

So anyway, here is why: I think that I know the rich old man that plays that Victor Krakiakis (sp?). I think that he works at the Ralph's on Third and La Brea. IS that possible?!!! I think that he works the night shift. Twice I have walked into that store looking for O'Doul's andhave literally bumped bodily into the man. I think that his moustache is real. You would be surprised. It looks absolutely real. I know that the magician's in Hollywood use their magic loosely and often. I heard that Weird Al Yankovic's moustache was not real. I am looking for a picture of Tom Selleck's moustache. I need it for a project.

I think that I will go into that Ralph's tonight and talk to Franklin (mr. Krakiakas's real name) and ask him about his day job. If he lies to me, what should I do? Would it be tacky, if I screamed at him? I just hate how fake those stupid actors can be. I know that often deny their roots. I do not deny my roots. I am a Mayflower American. My ancestors fought the Indians! My great-great-great-great-grandfather's name was Peter Henry.

This will be my dialogue with Franklin:

Me: Step aside.
Franklin: I must not. Not now. Not ever.
M: Are you Mr. Krakiakas?
F: Of course not. I am a mere Ralph's worker trying to make an honest wage.
M: Unlikely.

WHat do you think? Can you please tape the episodes for me next week?

-Fritz Henry

Coaching Tips

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : volleyballorg@hotmail.com
Subject : Coaching Tips
Date : Thu, 03 Apr 2003 22:33:30 -0800

Do you have any tips for me? I'm thinking about taking up coaching. Is it possible to teach a girl how to spike a volleyball without sweating? I have seen some of those girls hitting the ball so hard and then they sweat. When I was younger I dated a girl that sweat so much when she wore 100% wool sweaters that you could see her bra strap through the sweater. It didn't matter what color the sweater was. One time she sweat so much that I could see her bra strap through her sweater and it was a black sweater. It was not a hot day. She just would sweat. SHe didn't even play volleyball. I wuold have liked it ebtter if she did play volleyball. I think that one time at this Christian youth gathering she and I played Wallyball then we kissed. I beat her at Wallyball. I think that the score was 21-17. DOes that sound reasonable? SHould I have let her win? My brother (Lake Henry) usually says that you should let a girl win, because girls aren't good at sports. That's the truth, right? I don't have that much experience playing women's athletics. My grandma was the first women's hockey player. SHe played Left Out! (Lake's favorite joke)

So anyway, I woudl love it if you get could give me some tips about how to coach women's volleyball. I know how to set, spike, bump, and GRIND!!! I will not do any grinding with the women on the team. THat's definitely "bad politics." DO you think that i could meet my future wife on the team? I think that sounds reasonable. I like redheads that best. Do you know any 5'8" or 5'6" red-heads that can play volleyball? I don't.... yet. THank you. I will come over to meet any applicants on next Thursday.

-Fritz Henry

P.S. Actually the girl that sweat dated Lake. I did not have a girlfriend until Aubrey from the Conoco.

TICKETS!!!! I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To : tickets@topcentre.com
Subject : TICKETS!!!! I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!
Date : Thu, 03 Apr 2003 22:16:48 -0800

Hello, my name is Fritz. I need tickets. Can you help me with this? DO you ever get tired of people just needing tickets from you? How about if I tell you that i need somethign other than tickets? From this point forward I will refer to the tickets as "some of your time." I NEED SOME OF YOUR TIME!!! What about that? Sounds better. I know.
ANyway, here is what I need some of your time for: the Dodgers. I need some of your time with the Dodgers!

I love the Dodgers! DId you see the game last season when Paul LoDuca got hit in the head by the baseball? I watched that game with my brother (Lake Henry) and we just about jumped up and gave her each other good vibes! He got hit in the head! I have a big head. I can not normally wear "normal" or "one size fits most" hats. I have a blue Dodgers hat. It is the same hat that the"Boys in Blue" wear during their games. Do their hats make them sweat too? huh. I guess so. Lake told me that the DOdgers wear hats that have litle holes in the top so that they can just get the air in when they want to. I am skeptical. Do they?

I would like to invent a hat that has one of those little ice packs that you crack or rub together and they are cold. If I could put one of those hats on and then crack the pack, then I would be cool. I think that a good slogan for the hat would be "Crack the Pack, Be Too Cool for School." WHat do you think?
How much money would you be willing to invest in such a hat? I'm thinking that I will sell the hats outside of Dodger staium. I think that you could sell on Crack the Pack Dodgers Cap and two churros for something like $23.45. Sounds cheap!

So anyway, I need soem of your time in the $3 seats at Dodger Stadium. I am having trouble trying to find 2. I only need two. Can they play the yankees? Lake loves the Yankees. Thanks. All right. I will be by to pick up the tickets next weekend. I will tell Lake to stay home. He will probably just watch "V.I.P.."

-Fritz Henry

NEED YOUR HELP!!! ACKK!

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  g.clifford@worldnet.att.net
Subject :  NEED YOUR HELP!!! ACKK!
Date :  Sun, 16 Feb 2003 17:29:46 -0800

Dear Ms. Clifford,

I am putting together a video for my brother (Lake Henry) for his 35th birthday.  I really love him a lot.  I would liek to also make the video really special for him too.  Makes sense right?  I need your help.  I saw your sight for footage on the internet.  I love the internet.  Last week alone I played scrabble against a woman old enough to be my grandma and bought a rabbit.  Some poeple don't want technology to change.  I want it to change.  I would like it if someone could make something that could help me stop shaking and coughing.  At least I would like some sort of helmet that could stop my coughing.  I don't smoke.

So I need your help with this video.  Let's really knock his socks off here.  What I need is the video from my uncle Charlie's retirement party when Lake was 19.  It would have been around 1987 in the Pittsburgh area.  Do you have this?  It was really funny.  I can really laugh and laugh.  This video made me laugh and laugh a lot too.  Have you ever seen it?  Have you met Lake?  Sometimes I see him on the weekends.  He's very good at socializing.  He can talk your "ear off."  I think you would gte along well with him.

In the video he is carrying the cake and wearing uncle Charlie's hair.  The cake is really heavy and Lake has to set it down.  Then he does his impression of uncle Charlie for everyone. "Hey, guys cool it!  Hey!"  It is a very good impression.  Uncle Charlie loves Lake.  I havent seen Uncle Charlie since that party.  So can you find it?

-Fritz Henry

P.S. Lake will be in TN next weekend for personal reasons.  Should I have him contact you?  At least you should talk to him.  He loves talking.  35 isn't too old yet? Right?

Ghostwriter Looking For Work

From :  "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  john@goodmanphoto.com
Subject :  Ghostwriter Looking For Work
Date :  Sat, 15 Feb 2003 16:49:56 -0800

I am a ghostwriter.  I suspect that you get quite a bit of fan mail, from all of the movies you do.  I have seen at least four of your movies.  My brother (Lake Henry) and I watched you last night on television.  I like Coyote Ugly.  It is not because I like bars.  I like you and your look.  I'm thinking about trying out your look.  Will that offend you.  I do not want to be at a party and we will be looking the same.  I know that girls don't like that kind of thing.  I am not a girl, but I do like to vaccuum.  I don't like the new Dirt Devils with the swivel hips.  So that we don't get other people confused I will be wearing a green hat and you can continue on without the hat.  Okay?  I may also wear no hat at times.  If I wear the green hat all of the time then I may get more dandruff.  A little dandruff is a lot of dandruff.  Okay?  So should I get a hold of you when I'm going to not be wearing a hat so that you could wear a hat?  Do not wear a green hat.

Anyway, I want to be your ghost writer.  Did you ever watch that show?  I used to watch that show on Nickelodeon.  Do you like it better if I responded to your fan mail tersely or genially?  I looked up both of those words in the dictionary.  Which word do you like better: terse or genial?  I like terse.  Anyway, I suspect that I will hear back from you by Wednesday.  See you tomorrow.

-Fritz Henry