The Fritz Henry Emails

Nature's Way

From :  "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  aquariumofpacific@lbaop.org
Subject :  Nature's Way
Date :  Thu, 09 Oct 2003 17:03:30 -0700

I have two questions for you at the Aquarium of the Pacific.  One of the questions is going to be very general.  The other question will be fiarly spacific.  Okay, here goes... this question will be general.  How do you feel about the Lorikeet Forest?  I am a little sketchy on the whole thing.  Let me tell you why:  I do not like think that birds belong anywhere near the marine animals.  And I will tell you why:  Birds are not smart.  Birds are dangerous.  Birds have claws.  My roommate's fiance used to have a parrot, named Chewie, who would climb up my shoulder using my sleeve and his beak.  Then he would sit on my shoulder and look at my eye with his eye and I thought I would "lose my lunch" (I didn't!) and then I would look back at him.  Then I thought that he would bite me, right on the pupil.  Is that possible?  I think it could mean serious pupiliary damage.  Would that be covered in the $17 entrance fee?  Do Lorikeets bite?  I would think that between all of the hundreds of birds that would be flying around in the forest that at least one of those things would bite.  If one of the birds stared biting and then tauht the rest of the birds to start biting, would that be unnatural or woul d it be "Nature's Way?"  I am in the pool of thought that you would not want the bird that bites anywhere near the rest of the birds that don't bite, unless you weren't worried about the birds biting humans, but instead about them biting each other.  Can one bird give another bird rabies?  Do you call it rabies with birds?  Or is it modified and called babies?

My brother (Lake Henry) was bitten by a bird with babies (OR AT LEAST WE THOUGHT IT WAS A BIRD!) when we at my Grandma Creamer's place in Belvedere, IL.  He reached over to feed the thing some ritz bitz and then it lept right up and bit him on the mandisculis.  It got all inflamed and everyhing like that.  Wow!  I hate birds.  We were able to hit it with my Wilson and then run it over with the pushmower.  Later on he kept getting headaches and nausia.  If you puke from babies, then you probably know what it feels liek to really be sick from a bird's bite.

Are sugar gliders considered birds.  I knew this girl, Angela Pond, who had some sugar gliders in her pocket and then they jumped out and they glided to the bureau and they jumped from the bureau and they glided to the wardrobe.  She said that they were furry, but is it possible that birds have hair?  I think it look's liek the Whiskey Jack has hair?  Wow, I'm woofed.

I wiould like to come by and see sugar gliders at your Lorikeet Forest.  thank You.  I will be by before monday.  Do not worry, I will have already gotten my babies shots.

-Fritz Henry

P.S.  My second question was only this:  Do you think there's anyway that someone could stop by the Sharkey's on the pier?  Is that a pier?  I was there last weekend with a girl.  woman?  lady?  I left my recipe book there.  I could really use it these days.  Times are rough

Q: Wise or Wishy-Washy A: Wishy-Washy

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  toucan@chaffeezoo.org
Subject :  Q: Wise or Wishy-Washy A: Wishy-Washy
Date :  Wed, 24 Sep 2003 14:55:38 -0700

I tell you what:  I've done a lot of research recently about the Eurasian Eagle Owl!  I heard about it on your website.  I want to come see Ross Laird's Bird Show!  I am not a fan of birds, in general.  I do, however, really like owls.  Can you believe that?  I definitely can.  I do not like parakeets or lorrikeets or any kind of parrot or cockatiel.  I saw a cockatiel at the Brink's Pet Place and the bird was the size of a desk lamp!  It was so incredibly scary.  Myr brother (Lake Henry)  went up to the bird and asked the bird if he wanted a sandwich.  I swear to Jesus, that the bird did not answer him, knowing what Lake was going to say next, and instead stared at Lake, right in his eyes.  Lake is striong.  Lake is also tough.  I have never seen Lake scared of birds of any kind.  Lake did not back down.  The cockatiel did not back down.  It was incredible intense.  Then the lady from the store, came over and told Lake to stop establishing a dominant rappaport with Chopper.  The bird's name was Chopper!  That is a tough bird.  Lake told the lady that he would never back down.  Then Chopper sqwauked and Lake jumped and knocked over a habitrail!  Chopper won!  I couldn't believe it.  I am deathly afraid of birds.  I went with Lake to the Lorikeet Forest at the awuarium of the Pacific.  The birds descended on me like I was a dead corpus and they were crows!  I also had a time in Iowa City, when I was walking under some of the trees on Washington and the trees came alive.  The trees did not come alive with the sound of  music, they came alive with Crows!  the sky was black as the night sky and the birds were flying!  I hate flying crows they also poop!  I would never park my car underneath a bunch or trees, if I had a car.  I have told random people on the street that if they were my friends and they had cars I would not let them park their cars underneath trees either.  Is this a sane idea?  It sounds perfectly normal to me.

So, what I was wondering is this: why is the Eurasian Eagle-Owls so wishy-washy?  I think that he may have an identity crisis?  Is he an owl or an eagle?  Is he from Erope or asia?  If bubo means owll in Latin, then why is the eagle owl bubo bubo?  why doesn't he call himself bubo eagle?  I don't understand.  I want to come see Ross Laird and his birds.  I do not want the birds to see me.  I don't believe I can, unless i feel that the Eurasian Eagle-Owl is stable.

-Fritz henry

P.s.  Where is Chaffee Zoo?  Is it near Lompoc?

Manhood Via 'Rhea?

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  seafoodwatch@mbayaq.org
Subject :  Manhood Via 'Rhea?
Date :  Wed, 03 Sep 2003 21:43:09 -0700

I am extremely distressed!  I can't believe it!  I was trying to use your safe fish chart, and i couldn't get it to work right.  I used to go fishing with my dad and my brother (Lake Henry) and my grandpa when I was younger.  We had a lake and a river behind the butcher shop!  My dad worked with this guy, Bruce.  Bruce was this huge janitor guy.  He had a duck tail much before it was cool to have one.  I had one!  Lake also had one.  I never had a rat tail!  I also never had a hockey cut!!  One day, when I was went to work for father-son day at my dad's work, I was sitting in the breakroom listening to all the janitors tell about the time they walked in on "fine young women" standing naked in the bathrooms.  I did not believe them at all.  I was young enough to want to see the fine young women, but I never got to!  The first time I saw one was when I watched "Tough turf" with my cousin, Lucas.  Can you believe that?  I can.  James Spader had that naked woman on his lap.  Do you think James Spader would look good with a duck tail?  I don't think so.  His hair is pretty thick, though.

One day, Bruce told us how he found a chunk of B'ar meat in the dumpster behind Fitzpatrick's butcher shop.  He said that he knew that Schwanke had butchered it, because he knew that Schwanke took extra special care wiht his meat cuts.  Does that make sense?  Do you also do mammal meat?  Is B'ar safe to eat?  Bruce said it was spicy.  He also said it would make me a man via the 'rhea.  Is that true?  Would eating a piece of B'ar meat, make me a man?  What if I killed the B'ar first?  I do not own a knife or gun!!

What I really want to know, is whether or not, I can eat Blue Gill?  I used to go fishing and catch Blue Gills and Crappies.  I used to eat them.  I do not like to touch worms!  I hate worms.  I have probably eaten about 5 or 6 blue gills and between 7 to 10 crappies.  Is that bad.  They came from the Mississippi.  Did eating the blue gills make me a man.  What kind of fish could I eat to become a man?  I am trying to avoid the whole B'ar route.

-Fritz Henry

P.S.  I love Monterey!  Last time I was there, I saw a sea(l?) lion by the El Torito!

Whoops Lake, there goes the cake

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  Information@livingdesert.org
Subject :  Whoops Lake, there goes the cake
Date :  Wed, 27 Aug 2003 17:53:45 -0700

I have a birthday to have a party for!!!!  It's going to be my brother (Lake Henry)'s birthday next month!  He was born on September 17th, 1966!!!!  He is going to be 36!  He loves the desert!  Can you believ that?  I can.  It's hot.  He likes the heat a lot..  Lake sweats a lot, but he likes it.  He says that it's good to be a little stinky.  If women still come up to talk to you when you are stinky, then you know that they really want to be vulgar with you.  I do not sweat.  I havea glandular situation.  I get migraines.  Wow!  I used to have to sit down in the basement by the water cooler and rub my temples with a spoon.  Sometimes the cat would come urinate in the sawdust piles next to the circular saw.  Do you have any cats in your Living Desert?  I would think that it would be too hot for cats.  Is that rifht? Actually it was our cat eho would always hang out in the basement next to the water cooler and me who would sometimes would come urinate in the sawdust piles next to the circular saw.  I know that sounds nuts.  Please do not judge my blatter.  There are some days when I can not even walk to the 7-11 and get my red hot burrito.  It hurts soooo bad.  Do you have bean bag chairs?

What I am writing to you about is this:  I want to have a birthday party for Lake on the 17th in your WaTuTu Birthday boma!  Yay!  I'm not sure how it works, do you have authentic African villagers in the WaTuTu Birthday village?  My guess: No.  Do you at least have authentic African animals to come to the party.  It is quite possible that it will only be Lake and myself at the party.  It will be a surprsie.  I will really like it, if you could have some sort of Authentic African birthday cake with a snake inside.  Then when Lake and I walk in, I will yell,  "Surprise!"  Then the man with the bird of prey will come out with the bird and let the bird go (the man could yell "surprise.")  then the bird will fly down and grab eht snack out of hte cake.  Sounds cool?  Yes.  I will then say, "Whoops Lake, there goes the cake," then I would appreciate it if we could have a third party person to say, "the frostings on the ground.  Better look around.  You're in the arrid desert not the land of pears and desserts.  So, look Bibble, couldn't you be more civil."  Shouldn't be too hard.  Let's make this happen.  I will provide the snake (coral) and the bird (Cali condor), can you please supply the cake?  I will insert the snake into the cake.  Do not worry about a thing.

Lake is allergic to peanuts.

Thank you so much for everything you have promised to do.

-Fritz Henry

Secrets of the Gasterostefrimniftius

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  jdemian@ucsd.edu
Subject :  Secrets of the Gasterostefrimniftius
Date :  Wed, 27 Aug 2003 13:41:45 -0700

Hello, I am so glad that you have finally created an exhibit at the Scripps aquarium about the Secrets of the Seahorse!  I do not have a car. or I would get down there, immediately!  Have you ever tried taking the red line down to Long Beach and then take some other form of train or car system down to San Diego?  I tried it once.  My brother (Lake Henry) and I  wanted to go down to tsee the super bowl when it was at Jack Murphy.  Who is (was?) Jack  Murphy?  I s he an author?  I read Call of the Wild about a man in the northern tundra who dresses like a dog and pees in the corners of his property and then eats mice.  That book was buy Jack London.  Have you ever read anything written by Jack London?  If you try to take the red line, I think you would probably have plenty of time to read any book that you might want to.  I have also read "Gold Rush!"  I think that was also by Jack London.  You will probably have a problem trying to get from Long Beach to San Diego.  I did.  Have your ever hitch hiked?  Have you ever stolen a car?  I have never stolen a car.  One time, when Lake and I were really young (me-1, Lake-4) we were in our nanny's car and we were on a hill.  It was not a steep hill!  She forgot to put on the parking break, when she went back inside the house to get the cross-stiching and then Lake was lpaying with the steering whell and then the car just went down the hill backwards.  It just drove backwards!  We didn't even have it in reverse!  I didn't get hurt!  The car's trunk hit some bushes in the Kamm's front yard.  It did not hit the bird bath!  I am told that Lake was not drunk (that time).

So this is what I would like to know:  Have seahorses always been called Gasterosteiformes?  I don't get it.  I thought they were called seahorses.  How come they don't look like horses?  Sea horses look sort of like horses, but they also look sort of like anteaters.  They have that long snout.  The scientific name for an anteater is  Lepidicarius Frimniftius.  Do you think that it would make more sense to call the seahorse, something like Gasterostefrimniftius?  That would seem to make a lot more sense to me.  Do Gasterostefrimniftius's like ants?  Weeds?  Oats?  I have seen a land horse eat a bucket of oats, and then a carrot.  Do you think that if I was able to convince, Mr. Halifax to give me a ride down to the USMC base (so he could see his son) that someone could come up to pick me up?  I do not trust Lake to drive me.  Are there many hills near Scripps?

-Fritz Henry

p.s. the real secret of the Gasterostefrimniftius is this: No matter how much your brother

I do not like Ed Begley, Jr.

From :  "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  chocolatelobster@cox.net
Subject :  I do not like Ed Begley, Jr.
Date :  Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:37:30 -0700

I was so excited to hear that other people had seen chocolate lobsters!  I used to see them all the time!  I don't like scuba diving!  I have done it before.  Usually I stick to ponds/lakes.  I like to keep the amount of water manageable.  I have dove in an ocean once befoe.  I was in Cancun with Kelley for spring break/family vacation (we had to go along with my brother (Lake Henry)  our parents thought he would be a good chaperone).  We dove in the Mexican Ocean!  It was not fun.  I kept getting salt in my hair and ears.  I do not like salt water.  I'm surprised to hear that there are chocolate lobsters in the salt water of hte Pacific!  I have only seen them in the lake behind my parents house, and a few times in the Mississippi.  Lake was usually the one that spotted them.  I do not have good eye sight.  I need glasses!  I do not wear my glasses usually.  I do not like Ed Begley, Jr.  I do not like Buddy Holly.  I do not like Henry Kissinger.  I have not seen any chocolate labsters since I was younger.  I thought maybe they had sort of run their course.  Isn't that a common problem in the water world?  I remember those crazy Chinese fishes that could run around on land and then (I think) they could also eat things.  Could they eat mice?  Are there very few mice in China?  I do not have a mouse in my house!  I do have a little bit of an aphid problem in my bathroom.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is this:  I have never eaten a chocolate lobster.  I have always been scared to.  Lake always told me to touch them, and I didn't want to, becuase of the claws.  I could never quite make them out, but I KNEW THEY WERE THERE!!!  He also said I sshould eat one.  So, this is what I'm proposing: I eat a chocolate lobster!  I would not feel comfortable without Lake around.  I will wear my glasses.  Do not make any references to Transylvania 6-5000 or St. Elsewhere.  I do not know Howie Mandell!  I do not want to know Howie Mandell!  I would like to know how he can blow up those gloves with his head!  Do you think that I woul d look funny with a glove on my face?

I will be there promptly at Cabrillo Aquarium at 7:00 am on September 21st for the Chocolate Lobster Divw!

-Fritz Henry

P.s.  I do not believe that your proceeds shoud go to "research in marine animal husbandry," unless it is wtih a mermaid.  I feel strongly about this.

-Fritz Henry

Breakfast with the Beasts

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  info@saczoo.com
Subject :  Breakfast with the Beasts
Date :  Tue, 19 Aug 2003 13:34:52 -0700

Hello.  I love zoos!  I also love golden bellied-mangabeys, mongoose lemurs, chimpanzees, and Schmidt’s spot-nosed guenon.  I am not yet familiar with the Francois’ langur.  Is that a new creature at the zoo?  Is it a new species?  I really love monkeys!  I have seen just about every monkey that is in existence in the past 24 years.  I did not start seeing the monkeys until I was 10 years old.  My brother (Lake Henry) and I were really into boxcar building and racing.  I was very good at making the car headlights.  I used to take the flashing camp flashlights and then put them next to a piece of wax paper and a mirror.  Then I could make the headlights!  I never got the beams to be concentrated.  I really tried hard.  Usually I am a hard worker.  Sounds good, right?  I also used to like carving the little soap bars into the shapes of cars.  I once carved a bar of dial into a Fiero.  The Fiero could not move!  Do you think that if I took the Soap Fiero and pushed it along a path made of crisco or grease that it could move as fast as a Soap Lamborghini?  I think taht it probably wouldn't matter.  I think that sopa es sopa.  Is that an expression.  I think Senora Noll used to say it all the time.  Sopa es Sopa.  Mono es Mono.  That makes a lot of sense.  Why call a bar of soap into a car, if the car isn't going to be fast enough to drive faster than another car?  That is the point of a race.

So, what I'm wondering is this:  would I be able to participate in your Breakfst with the Beasts with a Francios Langer?  I saw the picture on your site of the Francois.  Is the actual monkeys french?  I did not know that they have French monkeys.  I know there is something called a French Macquae or something like that.  Do most French monkeys look the same?  Are  French monkeys rude?  Do they speak with their hands?  This is not a literal question.  I, of course,  know htat monkeys can not talk.  Mayve they can use their hands for other things.  Do you think that a monkey could use a knife?  I once thought I saw a tamarind holding a stick like a knife.  I have seen 2001!  Do you think that Francois would enjoy carving soap cars?  I'm guessing we would have to stick to something simple.  I could start him (her?) off with a Honda Element.  Four Doors!

I will be by on Saturday the 23rd for the Breakfast with the Beasts.  I will bring soap, and a sharp knife.  I imagine that Francois would not wnat to "monkey around" with anything dull.  How far can a monkey jump?

-Fritz Henry

Monkey Internship

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
To :  intern@fonz.org
Subject :  Monkey Internship
Date :  Sat, 15 Feb 2003 16:48:48 -0800

I would like to be a monkey intern at your zoo.  I like monkeys.  my favorite monkey is an ape: ORANGUTAN!  I was at the zoo before and I saw an orangutan do a cartwheel and then poop afterwards.  Do you think that he pooped because he was so pooped?!!!  My brother (Lake Henry) loves that joke.  I actually think that the orangutan pooped because he has irritable bowels.  Well?  Am I right?  If I were to be a monkey intern, would I get to actually do chores for the monkeys?  I am very good on the phone.  I can handle multiple calls at once.  I was not aware that monkeys used phones, but I guess it makes sense to me.  Do monkeys use the same area codes? Do they have different long distance carriers?  I would not be comfortable changing a long distance carrier for a howler monkey without her approval first.  Do they understand english?  I read somewhere that a monkey, no matter the size, has the strength of Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Have you ever seen Predator?  Do you think the alien was actually some sort of monkey with a helmet?  If I was to be the monkey intern, could I wear the helmet when I was there?

Anyway, I'll be in town next week and would like to spend a good hour feeling out the monkeys and seeing if they are ready for me and I am ready for them and vice versa.  Will it bother them that I don't usually floss?

I will see you tomorrow.

-Fritz Henry