The Fritz Henry Emails

Cole Slaw for 25

From : "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
Sent : Thursday, May 20, 2004 1:28 AM
To : webmaster@ocnsignal.com

Subject : Cole Slaw for 25

Dear Jim and Lynn Sober,

My name is Fritz Henry.  This will be brief.  I will be traveling through your great city of WEdderburn, OR in a few months or so.  I will have many people with me and I will not be driving for most of the trip.  I can not drive for more than a few hours at a time, because I think it's just no use.  I don't think that cars are the answer!  I think that we should work out a better river system in this country.   I LOVE BOATS!  I am planning on going to your WEDDERBURN STORE for supplies, food, wine, and Oregon Ale for the crew (myself, my brother (Lake Henry), Peter Funt, Paul Nardini, Jeremy Nelson, golfers from Cedar Bend golf course, David Blaine, Steve Guttenberg, and Rod Steiger's son).  Thankfully we will no longer have Brian Gilliis and Sisuepahn with us.  I can not pick up/lift Sisuepahn.  ITis supposedly magic!  I think it's magnets.

Our trip through your great city of Wedderburn, OR will be short.  I would like to stay longer and maybe check out the local scenery and cole slaw.  Incidentally, I saw that you have cole slaw on your menu and that is "tossed green."  Is this an Oregonian (sp?) custon?  I think it must be.  I have only seen white cole slaw and don't like it, but I am fascinated by the smell.  Usually Lake orders it and eats it with his mouth open in my face and then I smell it and then he chews and swallows it.  Lake loves cole salw!!!  Do you have containers big enough to feed a party of 8 -12?  I would like to probably buy a meal for the crew (myself, JIm, Lynn, Lake, Peter, Jeremy, David, Steve, Rod STeiger's son, and Sisuepahn)  I will not buy a meal for Paul Nardini.  Paul is on hunger strike until the 15th and tthen at that time he will switch to simple carbs, then he will eat some complex carbs and transfattys and then some simple proteins and then some complex proteins and then some peanut butter and then some carrots and then finally when he is fully integrated he will be able to eat cole slaw and Reese's.

Paul Nardini is a world famous magician.  He has performed for the likes of Steve Guttenberg, myself, Lake, seminarians, Irish people, druids, horses, and even golfers at the Salmon Run and Cedar Bend golf courses.  Have you ever gotten a par on a par 3?!!!!  I have never even gotten a 4 on a par three!!!!!  I think that par is pretty unfair.  I think that par should just be under reasonable levels of stress and conditions like the speed limit.  We will be driving very quickly through Weddenburn.  Incidentally did you know that your city was named after a city in New Zealnad?  Do you also have sheep?  Does Oregon have more sheep than people?  What about ducks?

In Iowa City, IA they have ducks who live on the Iowa River year round and mate with each other.  Then they just keep getting dumber and dumber because their brother is their husband and their brother in law and their sister is their wife and girlfriend and the same time and their mother could be their aunt as well as the baby sitter for the kids when you go to a matinee, but don't ask her to come at night so you can catch an evening show because she has a life too!!!  Sound familiar?  Sounds like my mom.  My mother was not a duck, nor did she live in Iowa City!!!  The Iowa river flows over three quarters of the state and is the only river in the northern hemisphere with two mouths and only one source and still flows northerly!!!  I learn something new everyday too.  Today I learned that we only need one kidney!!!  I have two!!!!

Here's what we are planning on doing:  we are planning on leaving Rod steiger's son in your bathtub with one kidney and a bunch of ice.  We will then high tail it down the mighty Rogue river and berth in Grants Pass, what we need for you to do is 1)do not feel sorry for Rod Steiger's son  and 2)secure us enough fuel to make it the 50 miles or so down the river and 3) cole slaw for 25 (just to be safe)

Will this be possible?  I don't know.  This is where you come in:  we need for you to make it possible.  Wow!  A lot.  I know.  Sounds good to me.  YOu will recognize me from Magnum P.I.  I look like Tom Selleck.  I am not Tom Selleck!! I have thining (not balding) red hair and proud boiler belly.  I look forward to hearing from you.

-Fritz Henry

p.s. please do not warn Rod Steiger's son.  This would make the whole thing more difficult.

I WILL NOT STAND FOR DIVOTS

From :  "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
Sent :  Wednesday, May 19, 2004 1:47 AM
To : cedarbend@harborside.com

Subject : I WILL NOT STAND FOR DIVOTS

Cedar Bend golf course looks like about the best golf course this side of the Cascades, close second goes to Salmon Run in Brookings.  I am going to love Oregon!  I have never been there and I can't wait to go in early to mid-July or possibly August (if the job doesn't come through for my brother (Lake Henry))!!!  Would you categorize the Cedar Bend golf course as an expert course?  I am a beginner at golf, but an expert in photography!  I am going to take pictures of your golfers (you will select the four to five best or most attraactive) and then I will develop the pictures quickly at the cloesest Ritz.  Then I will drive ( below the speed limit) with the pictures back to the course and show the pictures to the golfers before they are done with their holes!  I do not like to take pictures of anyone who is not respectful to the environment or animals or myself.  I WILL NOT STAND FOR DIVOTS!  That is actually the slogan for the campaign I will be starting with your golf course.  Salmon Run golf cousre will be second in the campaign.  I am offering you and only you a chance to be the first course to have pictures of their golfers wearing I WILL NOT STAND FOR DIVOTS t-shirts, hats, bandanas, hemp tote bags, temporary henna tattoos, etc.  It will also be the first to test out our (Lake, Steve Guttenberg, Jeremy Nelson, Paul Nardini, Brian Gillis, Sisuepahn Gillis, and myself) new line of Drive Away Divot Replacing Spray.

Drive Away Divot Replacing Spray is a joing effort between entrepreneurs, actor, and magicians who all enfjoy golfing and walking around on golf courses and doing magic tricks with golf related themes and videotaping them and analyzing them and then repeating them better for a new round of three golfers and hour or so later.  We (Steve, Sisuepahn, and myself) have developed a spray that sprays out a green subsatnace that is close to the consistency of guacamole, but is a darker green and doesn't contain garlic.  DO NOT EAT THE DRIVE AWAY!  YOu just spray the can, spread the substance, let it dry for thirteen minutes (only THIRTEEN MINUTES), say the "magic words" (I WILL NOT STAND FOR DIVOTS), and then drive away in your golf cart  (HOPEFULLY NOT GAS-POWERED).  Then when you come back the following week, the divot will be gone, the course will be complete, and you will not smell garlic (possibly avacado).

This is what we (Lake, steve, Jeremy, Paul, Brian, Sisuepahn, myself, you, your golfers, Peter Funt, and Rod (Steiger)) need for you (you and your golfers) to do:  nothing!!!!  All we need for you (you and your golfers (4 or 5 (of 4 or 5 different ethnicites)) to do is sit and wait for us (Lake, myself, Brian, Sisuepahn) to show up.  The dates have not been set yet.  It all depends on the job that Lake had lined up with Habitat for Humanity in Monterey.  Have you ever built a house.  The man who builds  his own house is twice warmed, but the man who burns his house is three times warmed.  I AM IN NO WAY ADVOCATING BURNING YOUR OWN HOUSE.  Houses are filled with harmful chemicals that would not be good to let off into the ozone and the other airs around the earth, unlike

the brand new DRIVE AWAY DIVOT REPLACING SPRAY!!!!!  (made from avocados, grass seed, walnuts, hemp, and dead (domesticated, so no rabies!) animal parts)  Entirely safe and Entirely good.
A few of them (Paul, your golfers, Peter Funt and Rod Steiger (possibly his son?)) will want to play golf on your course.  I assuem they would be welcome.  They will probably arrive a few days early.  They will be wearing the bandanas and henna tattos.  Not permamnet!  Don't worry.

-Fritz Henry

Frozen in Mobile

From: "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
Sent: Tuesday,May18,20044:51PM
To: music@pistolriver.com

Subject: Frozen in Mobile

I am not ashamed to say that I am very interested in the concert serieses at your Pistol River concert hall!! I have never been to Pistol River, OR or even to OR before. I am going to be traveling through OR in a few months and I would like to feel at home! Sounds like normal to me. I will be traveling with my brother (Lake Henry) as per usual and the two of us will act as brothers and as friends. We are not friends, do not be alarmed. I know that we are different. I have red hair. Lake has b rown hair. I have a moustache (like Tom Selleck). Lake does not have a moustache (like Ted Danson). I do not like to swim, but I do like to sit in the water. Lake hates the water, but loves to swim. He says that it makes him feel weightless like an astronaut. Lake always wanted to be an astronaut when he was a kid! I went to Space Camp!!!! I do not like Alabama. I ate astronaut neopolitan ice cream out of a tin foil wrapper and then I tried to hide the tinfoil wrapper under neath the podium, but then the counselor of my unit found the wrapper and put it in the garbage and told me I wasn't space race material. I told him, it didn't really matter to me. I was 23 anywaya and on my way to technical school, so it wouldn't really even matter if I was an astronaut or a scientist or a licensed engineer or anything like that because I had my dignity and I don't care what he thought because he was stupid and let his pants drop below his butt when he peed. Then he hit me in the mouth with a Mobile, AL can coozie and then I got a bloody lip and then I skipped the next classs that I had about making dreamcatchers in zero G and I cried myself into a nap. The next thing I did was call my brother (Lake Henry) and tell him what happened, he said he didn't care, because he had just gotten a job at the Tasty Cream and that he could eat as many butterscoch shakes and bananas and peanuts that he wanted and they couldn't fire him, because he would quit before they fired him. So then I went back to my counselor, Simon, and I told him that he shouldn't have hit me on the lip and then he apologized and then he hit me in the stomach and I didn't flinch, because I knew on the inside I was better than him, because I was older and wiser and a copy of Weird Al in 3-D on cassette. Wow!!! WAs I wrong. Simon was better than me in many ways. One way for instance is that he hasn't gone bald yet, and another is that he doesn't eat meat.

So, Lake and I will be in Pistol River in a few months and we want to play a rock opera which we wrote 13 years ago after I got back from Space Camp and Lake quit the Tasty Cream. It is entitled, "Frozen in Mobile." It is only two hours long.
Unfortunately it will require a few things:

1)a snare drum, a bongo, a guitar, a piano, a banjo, a bass drum, a harpshichord, a drummer, a guitarist, and someone who can sing. Lake will play the harpshichord. I will be conducting. Peter Funt (of Candid Candid Camera) will be playing the part of Lake Henry and Stanley Anderson (Louie's cousin) will be playing the part of myself, Fritz Henry.

2)We will also need someone to assemble/create or get a hold of a half-size version of a space shuttle with a cross section missing. I will provide the space suits and the foam hand that says, "RIde the Crimson WAve! Go Bama!"

3) We will also need a place to stay within about 150 miles of the concert hall. I do not like bullet trains. I am afraid of magnets, because of the empty gaze syndrome and orienterring mishaps.

I expect to be in contact with you in the next few weeks. I love music!!!!!!!!

-Fritz Henry

Peter, Paul & Rodney

From :  "Fritz Henry" bigfritzer@hotmail.com
Sent : Tuesday, May 4, 2004 2:05 AM
To : info@salmonrun.net

Subject: Peter, Paul & Rodney

Wowie Zowie it is hot!  Can you believe the heat?  Is this the Salmon Run golf course in Brookings, OR?  Or is this the Salmon Run fishfry next to the 7-11 on Third?  I am looking for the golf course.  I do not play golf!!!  I have a brother (Lake Henry) who pays a little bit of golf.  I am actually writing to you for my friends, Peter Funt and Paul Nardini.  Peter Funt is of the Candid Camera Allen Funt Funts.  Paul Nardini is not.  Paul Nardini is a world famous bmagician.  I have seen Paul Nardini levitate, rotate, and dance a small stuffed (?) raccon on his shoulder in broad daylight for football players and Steve Guttenberg and my brother and me.

I have never been to Oregon.  Is it flat or is it kind of wide and sharp?  I would categorize California as being wide and sharp.  I traveled up and down the coast (pacific only) of California one year ago today.  I drove on the 1 Hwy.  Have you ever been to Ft. Bragg?

This is what Peter Funt and Paul Nardini have in mind.  Paul is going to hide cameras from Peter Funt on Memorial day in bushes and shrubs and sand traps and stuff.  Then Peter is going to come in with one camera and seven people that know how to run cameras.  Then Paul will levitate a raccoon that will be wearing a suit similar to that of the gopher in Caddyshack.  Have you ever seen that movie?  Do you think it would be possible for you to arrange a meeting between Rodney Dangerfield and Paul Nardini?  Paul has really been asking me if he could meet Mr. Dangerfield.  I have promised him he will on Memorial day.

Then show will then consist of Peter Funt finding the cameras with your head grounds keeper, and theneach time he finds a camera you will give him a prize of your choosing and then Paul Nardini will finish off the show by running at full speed through a water trap and walking on the water and then showing everybody the way that he did it.  Then I will come through.  Please do not be alarmed.  I look very similar to Lousie Anderson, but I have a large moustache similar to that worn by Tom selleck in the baseball movie.

Does this seem possible.  We look forward to seeing you at the Salmon Run golf course on memorial day.  We will be rolling 10 deep (11 including Mr. Dangerfield (assuming you can arrange the meeting)).  I assume this will not be a problem.  This seems very likely to me.

-Fritz Henry

p.s. I am a flower buff, but I also like photography and hate birds.  God bless.